Dear Bess,
Sending you and Brooks some Florida sunshine. I never should have turned my back on you, but you deserve the sun and the moon and the stars. Not just Florida’s.
I’m so sorry.
~ Lane
Jake had stayed in touch, also refusing to let me wallow in my preferred solitude. I saw him on my own a few times, and sometimes with Camper.
As for the two of them—Camper and Jake—something was up, but I wasn’t savvy enough to figure it out. At the thought, I laughed as I clicked my key fob to unlock my car door. I couldn’t even figure out my own love life, let alone someone else’s.
I drove past the new strip mall, distracted for a moment with the view of reddish and burnt-orange leaves, and my thoughts turned to AJ. He headed out last week to new experiences, thinking it would give him a fresh start. I hoped so. I forgave him; it wasn’t in me to hold a grudge against him. We’d shared some intimate moments—not just sex, but meetings and friendship and borderline stalking. It didn’t matter now. He was better without me. My heart belonged to someone else, a man whose own heart wasn’t available.
Pulling up to my house, I couldn’t hold back the sadness. It had been a year since Lane Wrigley came into my life. Originally, I’d thought it was a death sentence being called to a dinner for my employers’ sake.
But as it turned out, Lane breathed life back into me. He was the first one to show me how to live again, during our precious time in Florida as we walked in the woods or made love, and even during that very first awkward dinner in the tavern.
The last few months had been good for me. I had been getting back to experiencing the world, opening myself up to really feeling and seeing it with people I cared about and who cared for me. The problem was that I wanted to do it with Lane, but he couldn’t do that with me. Or maybe hewouldn’t, I didn’t know. His life was tethered to something or someone else. I didn’t know what the nightmares were about, but I knew they kept him stuck in the past—and apart from me.
After unlocking my door, I was immediately greeted by a wagging tail and gigantic paws stepping on my feet.
“Hey, Brooks, how’re you doing?” I said to my dog, half expecting him to answer.
It was hard to believe that I woke up on a chilly morning last fall and Brooks was the only man in my life. But that wasbefore, and this wasnow. As if the last year didn’t happen, Brooks was still the only guy in my world.
I let him out to relieve himself, leaving the door slightly open so he could come back in while I busied myself with turning on the oven, filling the kettle with water, and scooping a cup of dog food.
“Hurry up, Brooks, we’ve got a hot date,” I called behind me to the half-open door.
“You do? Sucks for me,” I heard behind my back. Stopping what I was doing, I squeezed my eyes shut, bracing my hands on the counter in front of me.
I’m hearing voices?
I couldn’t turn around—refused to—because I didn’t want the fantasy to end. I wanted to hear the voice again. Squeezing my eyes tighter, I wished with all my might for him to say something else.
Inhaling deeply, I took in the essence of a ghost. His scent was clean, tiny hints of sand and surf lingering with soap, the manly spearmint kind. Then I felt his presence—his hand was at my lower back—and if I squeezed my eyes tighter, I could almost feel his fingers caressing me.
I must be hallucinating.
His warm breath tickled my cheek as he whispered my name in my ear. I leaned all my weight into the counter in front of me, pressing my pelvis flush with the hard stone to steady my thoughts and brace myself, since I was obviously sleeping while standing up and I didn’t want to fall.
Brooks barked, interrupting my dream. “Shh, be quiet,” I said out loud.
I heard the voice again. “Bess?”
“Hmm?” I answered, holding a conversation with a figment of my imagination.
“Bess, it’s me. I’m here. Right behind you.”
Something pressed against my back a little harder. His full hand. It moved, making circles that were soothing and comforting. I shook my head, trying to separate reality from fantasy, before opening my eyes and turning around.
And there he was. My eyes widened as I took in the beard.That’s new.
“Lane?” I said so quietly, I could barely hear myself.
“Bess.” He leaned in and touched his forehead to mine.
“You’re here? How? Why?” I murmured. I didn’t move for fear he would disintegrate.
