“No! That’s not it at all.”
At least she cracked a wide smile.
“Whew,” I said and feigned relief.
“I’m in recovery. Well, not actively in it, but I guess you kind of always are. I used to have a problem with drinking ... and other stuff. And now, I don’t do any of it. I’ve been clean for almost five years, but I constantly work at staying that way. I’m sorry if you don’t think that’s cool or fun, but it’s me. And part of the program is we don’t lie about it or make excuses.”
This was my opening. My chance to not lie or make excuses, but I couldn’t. This was becoming a pattern for me. I’d hated myself for doing it for years, and now I wanted to gouge my eyes out for doing it with Bess. Yet I couldn’t make the declaration of truth come out of my mouth.
Instead I said, “I think it’s just fine. You, Bess, are cool and fun just as you are.”
She wiped at her eye with her finger, swiping a tear out of the way, and an avalanche of guilt fell on my heart. But still, I couldn’t start the conversation that needed to be had.
Before I could speak again, chirpy little Andi was back slinging our drinks onto the table.
I took Bess’s hand once again, and asked, “How about some chips and salsa?”
She nodded, and Andi chimed in, “Great! I’ll go grab that for you!”
As she walked away, I asked the inevitable, “Is this okay?” while eyeing my glass of beer.
“I think so,” she said slowly, then looked me in the eye. “Truthfully, I haven’t really been around drinkers for a long time. Other than when we last had dinner or I do dinner service at the hotel, I pretty much spend my time around other people who are dry. So, yeah, I think it’s all right. I’m really sorry to make you feel uncomfortable. I didn’t tell you about me with that in mind.”
A thought hit me of at least one thing I could make right. “You know what? I think you’re pretty amazing to tell me, and you know what else? A Diet Coke sounds awesome right about now.”
I lifted my hand in the air and waved our peppy server over. “I’m sorry, but I changed my mind. I’ll have a Diet Coke like the lady. Just take this and pour it out.” I handed over the beer and noticed Andi looked confused with a crinkle in her brow.
“You can still charge me for it. I just don’t want it now.”
“Oh, cool! Thanks,” the waitress said and left us again.
After all that, dinner went smoothly as we washed down the saltiness of the chips with sweet soda and small talk about her job and mine. Totally mesmerized with the young woman in front of me, I couldn’t stop watching her. With brown hair and eyes nearly the same shade, she was naturally beautiful with nothing enhanced or enlarged. Just subtle, simple beauty. And I couldn’t take my eyes off of her.
We plowed our way through some enchiladas before deciding to walk along the beach to work them off. When we took off our shoes and stepped onto the sand, Bess’s hair blew wild in the wind, her sweater billowing out from her small frame. I wrapped my arm around her back and pulled her in close. She smelled like fajitas and citrus, and inhaling deeply, I took my fill.
“This is so incredible!” she said, tucked under my arm as we walked along the shoreline. “Wow! God, if I lived here, I would never leave. You’re right, who needs four seasons?”
If you were here all the time...
My thoughts were going haywire. I took a deep breath, trying to fill my lungs, playing it off as taking in the ocean air.
“It is pretty damn incredible,” I admitted. “But you know, living here, we don’t do this stuff all the time. We work mostly and play a little. At least, that’s what I do.”
Kicking up little bits of sand with her feet, she teased, “Yeah, yeah. Make a girl feel good. You probably have a different ‘hotel employee’ down here every week to soak up the sun and fun.”
She had to pull her arm away from me to make the air quotes around hotel employee, and I felt her absence immediately. This woman did something to me, something no one else had ever been able to do—she’d melted a tiny layer of the permanent ice around my heart. A thick layer that even the Southern sun and humidity hadn’t been able to defrost.
And yet she thought she was one of many “hotel employees” to catch my attention.
“No way!” I stopped dead in my tracks and turned Bess to face me. When she stared down at our bare feet, I tipped her face to look at me. “Listen to me. I have never done this before. Never. Do you hear me?”
She nodded but said nothing.
“I’ve never invited anyone here, never got myself involved with a hotel employee—beyond a one-night thing, which I know isn’t what you want to hear, but it’s the truth. I can’t stay away from you, Bess. Like a lost puppy, I keep finding myself crawling back to you, and I can promise you ... I’veneverfelt that way about anyone.”
She stared straight into my eyes for a moment, and then asked, “Again, why me?”
I grabbed her hands and swung them behind her, pulling her in tight, trapping her in my embrace, then brought my mouth down hard on hers.
I couldn’t tell her why, but I could definitely show her.
Consuming her mouth with my own, pushing my way inside, my tongue seeking refuge with hers, twisting like I wanted to be doing with her body in the sheets. But she wasn’t ready for that yet, and neither was I. Because truth be told, I knew it would be addictive. I’d been obsessing over Bess in one way or another for several years, and right now with her tongue exploring my mouth and her body pressed against my erection, I recognized the disaster my life would become with and without her. She was my salve—the balm able to ease the pain of the past—and currently the flame lighting my body on fire.
My lies had gone on too long. My chance to make anything right was long gone, but the ache I felt for this woman was so intense that it raged war with my conscience and won.
Standing in the moonlight, the stars twinkling above us in a dark velvet sky, I wanted to lay Bess down in the sand, rip off her clothes, and plunge deep into her depths without a life jacket.
And in that moment, I wasn’t worried about drowning.
