"Are you okay?" he asked. "You've been standing there and leaning against the wall like you were about to faint. Are you nauseous?"
She turned, forcing a smile. "I'm fine. I'm just so hot all the time." She fanned her face with her hand. "It's like ten degrees warmer than normal." She glanced down at her belly, saying to him nonverbally what she couldn't say aloud, what with the walls having ears.
She didn't need Navuh to find out about her pregnancy mere hours before she was going to escape. The increased scrutiny would kill the plan.
Tony knew that her body temperature had been running higher since she'd conceived, but he didn't know that wasn't the reason she was pressing herself against the cool stone like she was trying to disappear into it.
He would never know.
"You should have said something." Tony placed a hand on her back and began to rub it in an up-and-down motion. "I can find you a fan. I'm sure Hassan has some down in storage from when there was no air conditioning in the harem."
"There's no point in bringing it up now."
The words slipped out before she could stop them, and Tony frowned. She could see him trying to understand why there was no point in doing something that might make her feel better, or why she sounded so defeated.
"Why is there no point?" he asked.
"We can't bring a fan into the library. Can you imagine what would happen? Papers flying everywhere. I could use one in my room, though."
That would give him something to do so he would get out of her hair.
"I'll get it for you."
As he started to turn, a new wave of guilt and profound sorrow washed over her, and she caught his hand, pulling him to her. "Not yet." She threw her arms around his neck, burying her faceagainst his shoulder before he could see the tears burning in her eyes.
"Hey." Tony's arms came around her immediately, one hand stroking her hair. "What's wrong?"
Tula usually wasn't that emotional with him, or that loving. They were partners, and they had created the life growing inside of her, but Tony had never been her forever man.
He couldn't be.
He was human.
The thing was that even if he were immortal, he still wouldn't be the type of man she would want to spend eternity with. That didn't mean she didn't care about him, though.
"I just—" Her voice cracked, and she pressed closer. "I'm overly emotional. I'm sorry."
"That's okay." His voice rumbled against her ear. "You are entitled to be emotional."
Tula pulled back just enough to see his face, memorize it, so she could describe him to his son when the time came. "It's the pregnancy hormones," she whispered, smoothing her palms over his chest. "Everything feels too big right now. Too intense. I get emotional over nothing."
"You don't have to explain. We are all tense waiting for Areana to deliver on her promise," he said in a barely audible whisper. "Any news on that front?"
She shook her head, and tears welled in the corners of her eyes.
Tony sighed. "It's killing you. The rest of us can deal with being stuck here. But your situation is different."
She nodded because that was exactly what she needed him to believe. "I can't take it," she whispered. "It's tearing me up from the inside out."
It was the guilt that was doing it, not despair, but the pain was the same, sharp and cutting in her chest. She was going to let him believe she'd killed herself. He would grieve, perhaps blame himself, but most likely blame Navuh and the impossible choice he forced on Tula. It was either stay and let them take her baby from her soon after he was born or end her life.
The cruelty of those so-called choices made her sick.
"Don't go to work with Elias today," she said. "Help me in the library."
Tony blinked, surprised. "You want me to help you restore books?"
"You can just sit next to me, and I will tell you what to do."
