"And let's try a few gowns with a little more skin showing," Janet said. "She's such a pretty girl, we need to show her off."
Sharese snapped her fingers. "I have ideas."
Over the next hour, I tried on fourteen more dresses which seemed like a lot of dresses to me. Some of them came off as quickly as they went on—the bubble hems were a fast no from Janet and Sharese, along with several others with big sculptural elements that made me feel like a cartoon character. We liked a few of the simple, classic ball gowns and a few other fitted styles, and I survived two veils without diving into the deep end of my feelings.
But my skin was red and welted from changing so many times, and the desert air must've dried me out because my head was fizzy and a little too light. Janet was having a blast but we'd need to wrap this up after the next couple of picks. Between the altitude and the desert heat, I felt like I'd tripped and fallen into an air fryer.
And I missed Jude. I didn't know where that thought came from but I knew it was true. There was a comfort in sitting with him in hostile silence. Even if everything was upside down, I didn't have to think so hard with him. Or maybe that was the Stockholm syndrome talking.
"We're calling this shade toasted apricot," Sharese said as she zipped me into another dress. "It's organza with hand-tied silk flowers and a grosgrain ribbon belt."
It reminded me of my friend Emme's first wedding dress, from when she and Ryan eloped last year. I traced the flowers along the bodice. They looked like daisies with tiny seed pearls at the center.
Sharese herded me back to the platform. She and Janet chatted about the details and I went on tracing the flowers. The pearls felt strange against my fingertip. Like a million microscopic roller skate wheels. Like roller skates for ants. Didants roller skate? Probably. Why wouldn't they? And the flowers were like tissues—but also cotton candy.
No, wait, hold on. Those flowerswerecotton candy. I could eat them. But would they taste like cotton candy or fabric? Or fabric-flavored cotton candy? I had to find out.
In an oblique way, I knew that was strange. Remarkably strange. But the more I clutched at that awareness, the less I felt of it.
"Oh, honey, no," Janet said, pulling my hand away from the bodice. "Only the belt comes off, not the flowers."
"It's okay," I said, leaning in close to her face. "It's cotton candy."
"It's—what?" Janet glanced between me and Sharese who looked like she'd just swallowed a buzzing bee. That would be weird. Like that scene inPinocchio. What aterrifyingmovie.
I studied my reflection in the mirrors, shifting to catch a glance at the back of the dress. "These lights are heavenly," I said. "Do you see my halo? I have a halo. I think I'm actually an angel." I turned to Sharese. "Can you add wings to this dress?" I patted my shoulders. "Not feathery but like…mermaid. You know what I mean."
"I'm so sorry," she replied. "I don't think I heard you. Did you say you wantedwings?"
Muscle memory wanted me to say no. To apologize and stop talking. But there was woolly static in my head and I felt as though I was trapped in a snow globe while everyone stared at me from the other side. And the words just kept coming out like a magician's handkerchief trick.
"Oh, shit," Janet murmured. "Honey, which of those mints did I give you?"
She dumped her bag on the sofa. It looked like the aftermath of a solid whack to a piñata. I raced toward her to help scoop upeverything that'd tumbled out, falling to my knees as I chased lip balms, pens, and small zip pouches.
"Sharese doesn't want us to know this but the sofa is made of vanilla ice cream," I whispered to her. I giggled, but inside my head I heardWhat the hell is happening?Something was wrong—but I also felt incredible. I never wanted it to stop. "I don't know how it's not melting but the angel lights probably have something to do with it."
"Excuse me," Sharese sang. "Is everything…all right? Perhaps you'd like to return to the fitting room?"
Janet took my hands in hers. "Audrey, honey, I don't know how to tell you this."
"Is it about the ice cream? Or the roller skates?"
She squeezed her eyes shut, murmuring, "My son is going to kill me."
"No, he won't," I said, wrapping my arms around her. "He loves you so much, Janet. He'd do anything for you. Absolutely anything. Even really crazy shit that I don't understand.Especiallythe crazy shit. In a way, it's quite unrealistic."
She grinned but it looked like there was something sour in her mouth. "Sweetie, those weren't mints. They were ecstasy tabs."
chapter thirty
Jude
Today's vocabulary word: endurance
I pacedthe length of my mother's patio, one hand kneading the back of my neck while the other gripped my phone hard enough to make the case creak. "That's it?" I asked.
Through my earbuds, Jordan Kaisall let out a rasping noise intended to highlight his displeasure with me. Unfortunately for him, I didn't give a fuck about his feelings. "If there was something to find, I would've found it."
