"That's what you think you're demanding?Respect?Because it sounds a lot more like compliance."
"We stopped you from ruining your life," he roared, spittle flying with every word. "If we hadn't stepped in, you would've run off with that delinquent and he would've dropped you as soon as he realized you didn't come with a blank check."
"No, you save the blank checks for the spineless sycophants because they cut you in on their backroom deals and give you these sweetheart spots pulling the strings with their political action committees. You don't care who they are or what they take as long as you're close enough to get high off the power."
"Stop it right now." My mother jolted to her feet. "I don't know what's happened to you but that's enough."
I met my father's vicious glare. I could almost see steam rising off his head. "You better clean up that mouth by the next time I see you or you can kiss any inheritance good-bye."
"Here's the thing." I pressed my palms together, tapped my fingers against my lips. "When I leave here now, I'm going to go find that delinquent—the one who still loves me despite the utter shitstorm you rained down on him—andruinmy life the way I should've a long time ago. I'll be too busy with that to care about what happens to me whenyourlife's over."
"You'll regret this," he shouted.
"The only thing I'll ever regret is not walking out the first time you threatened me."
I turned toward the house as my mother said, "We arenotfinished here. Don't take another step."
"Just think of all the time you'll have for Cassidy and her kids now," I said. "You always liked her better anyway."
"There won't be a penny from us," my father yelled.
I nodded, giving them a thoughtful glance when I reached the threshold. "I think I'll be okay without it."
My whole body shook as I walked through the house, their angry voices dulling into the growing distance between us. I paused near the front door, where the glass had already been swept away. So I flipped over the table.
I went on shaking as I drove to the ferry terminal, my mind soft in a blur of sunlight and summer hydrangeas and the sound of wind through my open windows. My ribs and shoulders ached from bracing myself for so long.
I knew I'd crash soon. I'd come down from this almighty adrenaline rush and feel like the morning after the high of Janet's ecstasy. But for right now, I rolled the windows all the way down and let the ocean air fill my lungs.
I walked straight into the fight this time and I'd survived. All I had to do now was show up for the next fight.
chapter fifty-nine
Audrey
Today's vocabulary word: scattered
Half packedand fully panicking the following morning, I tossed things into my carry-on with the sort of precision that promised I'd be shopping for essentials after I landed in Michigan. It wasn't like it was hard to buy a toothbrush or makeup remover or a solid grip on reality.
Since I was hopped up on my own homemade righteousness and quite a lot of fresh adrenaline, I figured there was no time like the present to start a load of laundry, mix up a batch of cookies, and vacuum the living room.
All at once.
But that wasn't a problem. I had another hour until I needed to leave for the airport and I couldn't walk out the door with the innards of the dog toy Bagel had destroyed strewn all over the floor, and Percy did love those cookies and— Okay. Yes. I was flailing. Spiraling down. Crashing out.
But wasn't I allowed to? After all of this, wasn't I allowed to stress-vacuum with my hair halfway out of a ponytail, and an empty laundry basket clutched to my side? Couldn't I cry for noreason and every reason as I watched the stand mixer go to work on creaming some butter and sugar?
Of course I could—and that realization had me dropping to the floor in a mess of laughter and sobs because I finally knew what it was to exist without that cold shadow lurking right over my shoulder. I'd lived so long with the chill of obligation and judgment and expectations that I felt like I was burning up without it.
Bagel climbed into my lap, all worried yips and slobbery kisses and no concern for his own boundaries. He let me hold him for several minutes before letting out a low howl right in my face like he wanted me to know I'd had my moment and now it was time to get my shit together.
"Who's the bestest boy?" I asked him. A rumble sounded in his throat as if to say he wouldn't bother with such obvious questions. "I'm going to get my other best boys back too. I know you miss your brother Percy." Bagel barked and scrambled to gather his tennis balls. "I know. I miss him too."
I knew everything would be okay when I reached Jude and Percy. That was all I had left to do. It was all I could do. Still, I couldn't get past the urgent pressure in my chest, the gnawing sense that they needed me and I wasn't there.
Once I'd scraped myself off the floor and popped the cookies in the oven, I ran to the basement to flip the laundry. The washing machine seemed to smirk back at me. A hysterical giggle slipped out of me atthosememories.
There'd be more like that. Maybe not here but somewhere that fits for all of us. We'd have secret laundry room moments and holiday traditions, weeknight dinners and moody dogs. We'd make that happen. We'd finally fix the things that'd broken for all of us along the way. Forever started now.
