"Knew it," Dr. Stremmel murmured from where he leaned against the cabinets, his arms crossed over his chest.
She gave him a meaningful look. Definitely an inside joke there.
"It's certainly on the borderline but I feel confident we'll be able to take care of this wound with less aggressive measures." She turned to Percy, saying, "I'm not sure if you heard what I said to Mom and Dad just now but I'm going to help your head feel better."
Audrey's gaze snapped to mine, wide and alarmed. Her lips parted, ready to tell them she wasn'tMomin this situation.
It's okay,I mouthed.
And it was.
Penny would always be Percy's mother but Audrey could be Mom. If she wanted. If we could get through the next week and figure out how to build a world for ourselves on the other side of this custody hearing. If I could find the right moment and the right words to tell her that I'd do anything to live out the rest of my days the way we'd lived the past few weeks—together, as a family.
The longer we stayed here, the less I remembered of our lives before that little ranch house and my new dog-son Bagel. I'd so completely given myself over to this notion of our life here that I'd stopped worrying about all the speech therapy sessions Percy had missed. I'd forgotten all about comparing the educational options in northern Virginia. I'd even given our nanny Wayne an extra month of paid vacation.
I knew what I wanted, what I hoped for, what'd chased me in dreams. What was right here in front of me, holding my son's hand and taking notes because I was too fried to think.
But it scared the hell out of me because my life liked fucking up my hopes and dreams. Every time it seemed like the pieces were finally falling into place, the ground beneath me shifted or it started raining rocks.
I hated that I just assumed it would all go to hell. I didn't want to look out at the world with this much dread. Was it so wrong to want a life with the woman I'd loved since before I'd even understood what that meant? To make a family with her? And was I really trampling over Penny's memory by wanting my son to have one more person in his life who loved him unconditionally?
I didn't think so. I didn't think any of this required a rainstorm of rocks—and I wasn't going to let that happen this time. I wasn't sure that I could talk Maddie out of wanting custody, though Ruth and Noah had given me some decent ideas. Though it didn't help that my son looked like I'd thrown him down a flight of stairs.
"To do that," Dr. Shapiro went on, completely oblivious to the silent conversation taking place around her, "I'm going to bring a bright light over here so I can see exactly what I'm doing. I'm also going to use some tools to help put medicine on your cut and then place very thin bandages on your skin. Here, take a look."
Dr. Shapiro walked Percy through all the instruments she'd be using and what to expect. A nurse came in with apple juice and pain medicine, and he knocked back both like it was last call while Dr. Shapiro prepared her equipment.
Audrey quietly explained her ideas for dog cookies while the doctor worked on Percy, lulling him into such a state of calm that he'd stopped clutching our hands and only had a finger hooked under the band of my watch now. The cookies would be shaped like dog bones, they decided, but also maybe holiday wreaths or trees. She meandered through a list of flavors—pumpkin, bacon, peanut butter, oatmeal—and then different combinations of those flavors. Her voice was soft, like the brush of a feather, and I felt it sloughing the stress from my shoulders, the back of my neck.
Dr. Shapiro finished with Percy's wound and explained how to keep it clean and protected while it healed. He climbed into Audrey's lap while the doctor spoke, his thumb back in his mouth and his eyelids heavy.
If I'd known back in June at the reunion that we'd end up here, I wouldn't have believed it. I might've done a few things differently if I'd known—or not. Back then, even if I'd craved this outcome for longer than was logical, I hadn't known how to climb over all the hard, ugly boulders of our past. I'd loved her and resented her in ways that I couldn't begin to explain, not even to myself. And yet here we were, on the other side of it all.
I just didn't think I'd survive if I lost it all again.
I mean, I would survive it, somehow. I had to. I had a kid and my mother to think of. And Brenda too. She was Percy's grandmother and that made her part of my family too. I couldn't fuck off and hate the world when I had all that responsibility sitting on my shoulders. But it would punch a hole right through my heart—or wherever it was that this overflowing feeling lived.
After the doctors left us and the nurse returned with discharge papers, I scooped Percy out of Audrey's arms and carried him to the car. It was well past midnight now and I felt a few tendrils of exhaustion pushing through the adrenaline of this night.
As I buckled him into his booster seat, he signed, "Can Audrey sit with me?"
I dropped a kiss on his temple, away from the injury. "I bet she'd love to." I rounded the car and opened the driver's side door, saying to her, "I'll drive. Your presence has been requested in the back seat."
"You're tired," she said, climbing out of the car. "A little frazzled too."
"I'll be okay." I caught her in a hug. I wasn't sure if it said all the things I wanted to but there'd be time for that later. "Thank you. For everything. I don't know what I would've done without you. Just…thank you. So much."
"Anytime," she said. "Now, come on. It's late. We need to get everyone into bed."
The roads were empty and the drive home didn't take long, though I spent most of it glancing at Audrey and Percy in the rear view, memorizing the way she absently rubbed his knee and guided him to rest his head on her arm.
When we arrived home, I carried him inside and down the dark hallway. Audrey brought a hand between my shoulder blades as I approached the bedroom and whispered, "You should stay with him tonight. I'll sleep in the guest room."
She didn't wait for a response, instead sliding around me and into her room to ready the bedding. I set him down on the bed and pulled off his shoes while she removed his glasses. As she started to retreat, I grabbed her wrist. "Outside," I whispered.
With one final glance at Percy, I tugged Audrey down the hall and into the moonlit kitchen. "What's wrong?" she asked as I paced from one end to the other.
All I could hear in my head was a chorus ofWhat if I stayed here and never left? What happens then?
