“And dropsfuckinto most conversations.”
“Mmm. That’s true. But listen. One year, on the first day of school, I was outside in the morning, greeting students as they arrived. One kid gets off the bus, walks right up to me, spits on my shoes, and says I better not be the bitch-ass cunt who’s going to make him go to school. Then he runs out of the parking lot and into oncoming traffic. The day had barely started and that’s where we were at.”
“Oh my god.” I wanted to ask what that kid’s home life was like but my niece referred to the chickens as shithead bastards, so I had no legs to stand on here.
She glanced down the hill at Gennie, who was flat on the ground while one of the old dogs licked her face. “He was a handful that year. The runners always are, but he was extra special. He’s starting fifth grade in a few weeks but he goes to eighth grade for math. Special children will always demand the most of us.”
How did she do that? How did she make things seem infinitely possible? Not even possible but likely? As if I’d be able to reform this rogue child into a fully formed human person over the next decade despite the fact her childhood was pockmarked with trauma. As if I’d figure out how to do thisandmanage to keep my head above water.
And where did Shay get off being so—so tolerant and accepting? The girl I’d known never would’ve considered a career in teaching, let alone one where kids cussed her out first thing in the morning.
The girl I knew in high school—
I shoved my hat into my back pocket and shifted to stand in front of Shay. To look at her, really look at the person I’d known all those years ago.
Was it possible she wasn’t that girl anymore?
If I could change, couldn’t she? And I’dchanged. If we ignored the part where I still blushed and stumbled over my words when it came to Shay, I was nothing like my high school self. I’d projected all my insecurities onto this town, and I’d made resenting this place my entire personality.
Thank fuck I’d changed.
“Gennie had a hard time last year,” I said. “When she first came here, it was rough. For both of us. It didn’t occur to me she’d have trouble in school until I started getting calls.”
“Being the new kid is overwhelming under the best of circumstances. I would know.”
I stared at her. I wanted to know when she’d changed. Whether it was sudden or a slow shift. And I wanted to know why. What happened along the way?
“Is that why you’re helping her? Because you were the new girl so many times?”
She offered a loose shrug. “A little of that. A little of knowing what it’s like to feel as though you don’t belong anywhere. A little of remembering what it was like to be six or seven and my mother leaving for an overseas assignment.”
“Eva isn’t a war correspondent. She’s not embedded with a military unit or spending a year tailing a crown prince to uncover decades of corruption.”
“Maybe not but the details aren’t as relevant when you’re a little kid being bounced from place to place. I didn’t know my mother was a famous journalist at that age. I just knew a rotating cast of nannies were my only family and no one ever knew when my mom was coming home. We might have different stories but I know a lot about Gennie’s. I know about fathers who donated sperm and literally nothing else, and I know about feeling like there’s no one to claim you.”
“Eva is serving a life sentence,” I said. “She killed a federal agent while moving drugs across the Canadian border for her asshole boyfriend. Had no idea it was a sting operation or that she’d committed a dozen federal crimes in the presence of undercover agents. Didn’t know how to use the gun the asshole boyfriend had given her either but she panicked and it turns out her aim is impeccable. She wounded three other agents in the process. It was an accident. A series of really fucking awful accidents and she will spend the rest of her life in prison while the asshole boyfriend has vanished into thin air.” I watched this wash over Shay in waves, each worse than the one before. “Gennie was five hundred miles away when it happened. In Philly with one of Eva’s friends. It took a week for social services to locate her and then three more days for them to contact my mother. By that time, Eva had already provided far too much free information to the feds without once asking for a lawyer and Gennie was already in the foster care system. The only thing Gen remembers from that time is being hungry and watchingPirates of the Caribbeanover and over but go ahead and tell me how you know what she’s been through. Tell me about how your nannies and your townhouses on the Upper East Side and in Mayfair and your Swiss boarding schools have anything in common with her. Tell me, Shay.”
We stared at each other while dogs barked and Gennie giggled in the distance. The sun was low on the horizon and I could’ve watched the way the breeze carried Shay’s hair for hours. Longer. I wanted to tuck it behind her ear and run my thumb over her cheek. Even if it cost me everything.
“I’m sorry,” she said eventually. “I can’t possibly know everything she’s been through. I can’t know what you’ve been through.” She gave me a look that seemed to say something but I was too preoccupied with her hair to understand it. “But I wasn’t wrong when I said I know what it’s like when it seems as though you have no one. Like you belong to no one, no place. Thatispart of the reason why I want the best for her. No matter what happens with us, that won’t change. The other part is that you’re my friend—or you were the last time I was in this town and hopefully will be again—and I want what’s best for you too.” She reached down and hefted her bag.
I shot a hand out, saying, “Let me carry that to your car.”
“No, no.” She waved me off. “Carrying bags full of books is my cardio.”
I stepped back and stuck my hands in my pockets. It was all I could do to stop myself from touching her.
“We cannot solve all the giant problems,” she said, the bag settled on her shoulder. “But we can solve lots of little ones. I’m going to teach you how to handle girl hair. When Gennie needs hair help, come down to the house and I’ll do it for her until you learn. You’re welcome anytime but you should know the doorbell doesn’t work and I can’t hear knocking unless I’m standing right in front of the door. It’s always been that way. Come in, give a shout, and we’ll get to work on respectable ponytails, pigtails, and braids.”
“You don’t have to do that.”
She nodded to herself. “That’s probably true. I don’t have to do anything. But that’s why I’m here. I’m taking an unscheduled gap year from my life. Because it feels right. It doesn’t have to make sense to anyone but me and there doesn’t have to be an endgame unless I want one. That’s it. I’m done with things and places and people where it’s forced and it’s wrong but I don’t figure that out until it’s too late because I was very busy forcing it to be perfect. So, I want to help with Gennie’s hair and make sure she gets to the next grade and I’m going to put up with your moody bear vibe while I do it.”
“What moody bear vibe?” I knew exactly which moody bear vibe she was referring to.
“The thing where you can’t decide if you’re my friend or not,” she said, sizing me up in one swoop. “Whatever that’s about isn’t something I can change but I can help your niece. Even better, I get some nice bread along the way.” She patted the bag. “Thanks for that.”
What the fuck was happening to me right now? How had I lost control of this situation? “Anytime.”
