“Yeah. The whole time I was sitting there thinking to myself that we’d have to do this all over again to get home. I started looking up trains and rental cars. Even private planes. There was a second where I thought we’d just live in Michigan forever.” I laughed. “I called the pediatrician when we landed and she told me to load her up on antihistamines before the return flight. That succeeded in making her high as fuck. Seriously, she wore sunglasses that she might’ve shoplifted and sat on my lap while chain-eating M&Ms, and recited every word ofPirates of the Caribbeanto me, complete with spot-on accents. And those were just the flights, Shay. Throw in the stress of traveling to a detention facility, going through all the security protocols, and then waiting for hours to see Eva—it was chaos. She spent four full days building up to a tantrum, experiencing a tantrum, or recovering from a tantrum. And then we repeated some version of that cycle two other times.”
“I’m sorry. That must’ve been so hard on you.”
“It was harder on Gennie,” I said, though I appreciated the validation. Sometimes I forgot how much I needed it. “She remembers it being awful so she panics even more.”
“It’s a lot to ask of a little kid. It’s a lot to ask of both of you.”
“Yeah, well, we’re going to have to do it all over again soon. Eva was moved to a federal facility in West Virginia upon sentencing and I promised her we’d visit. There’s a long weekend coming up in November that seems like a good time to go. We’ll drive this time. I think that will be better.”
“Do you want any help with that?” she asked slowly. “I mean, an extra pair of hands? I can come along if it’s going to make it easier for you and Gennie.”
As much as it pained me to say it, I couldn’t bring Shay to visit Eva. Not because Eva or Gennie would have a problem with it but because I couldn’t give my niece everything she needed while also taking care of my wife. And I knew Shay would say she didn’t need that from me but that didn’t change the fact I wanted to take care of her and it would kill me if I couldn’t.
“Not this time,” I said. “I want to see if Gennie handles it better when we drive and make a lot of stops along the way so it’s less overwhelming. That’s what the psych suggested.”
“That makes perfect sense. Just let me know if there’s anything I can do to help.”
After a few minutes of silence, I said, “I still can’t believe she’ll be behind bars for the rest of her life.”
Shay hummed to herself for a second. “Can I ask how Eva got caught up in a situation like that? From everything I remember you saying when she first moved out, it seemed like she was pretty street-smart.”
“She is. She was,” I said. “I don’t know how it happened. I’m still trying to figure it out.” I groaned into the duvet when Shay kneaded a tender spot on my upper back. It seemed I was a bag of rocks covered in skin. “She spent all these years wandering around North America without a permanent address and doing everything on her terms, only for it to fall apart in a matter of months after meeting the boyfriend. How she got mixed up with the kingpin of the northern border drug trade, I’ll never fully understand.”
“She probably believed she knew him,” she said.
“But—how?”
“It takes nothing at all to convince ourselves that we know someone’s values and their intentions. That we know their heart. And it’s devastating when they show us who they really are. I bet she rehashes every moment of that relationship daily.”
It didn’t sound like we were talking only about Eva anymore.
“Anyway.” Shay gave a light slap to my flank. “I need you to stop thinking about all of this now. You’re twisting yourself into knots all over again.”
“You’re the one asking these questions. What else do you want me to think about?”
“Think about Twin Tulip,” she said, her fingers working the base of my skull. It felt weird in a very nice way. “Are the engineers and architects finished yet? When will they have designs for us to look at? And didn’t you say it was almost time to plant the bulbs?”
“Bulbs will be in the ground within two weeks,” I replied. “Bones has it under control. He wants to wait until it’s a little colder. Something about avoiding mildew from the ground being too warm.”
“Does he hate having to deal with flowers?”
“No, he loves this shit. He went through the Master Gardener program at the University of Rhode Island two years ago, mostly because he’s a squirrel and needed something to do during the winter while he was planning a pollinator garden, and now all he wants to talk about is tulips. If you see him, don’t ask about the flowers unless you want to smile and nod while he babbles at you for an hour or two.”
She laughed. “Noted.”
“The last I checked, the engineers and architects are haggling over a few things. Being as close as we are to the cove, and with the way sea levels are rising and hundred-year storms are occurring much more frequently, there are many more variables to consider.”
“That sounds important. We’ll let them take all the time they need to work it out. We’re not in any rush.”
“Are we not in any rush,” I started, “or are we tolerant of the slow progress because it means we don’t risk getting attached?”
She was quiet for a minute. “What does that mean?”
“It means we run headfirst into every new phase of this project but when it comes time to make the decisions, we drag it out as long as possible so that we don’t have any real commitments.”
“And when you saywe, you meanme.” Her hands stilled on my upper arms and I knew I was in dangerous territory but I couldn’t turn back now. “You’re saying I don’t want to get attached.”
“I’m already attached,” I said. “I’m not going anywhere. This is home for me and Gennie. We can’t pick up and move to Boston—or anywhere else. You, on the other hand, have room to walk away. You don’t have to do any of this and you know it.”
