“What do you mean,not happening?”
“I mean, I finally found you. I’m not letting go.”
I was profoundly aware of each of his fingers as they traced my calf down to my ankle, though more than that, I felt his gaze like the sunlight. There was no hiding from it. “That’s very sweet, but I’m trying to be practical.”
“Practical like those heels you wear to the hospital?”
“I happen to like my heels,” I said.
“Fuck, I’d hope so. I don’t want you wearing them just to feed my fantasies.” Henry tightened his grip on my leg like he was mentally scrolling through those fantasies right now. I almost asked him to take me home and narrate. I wanted to knoweverything. “What other rules do you have cooked up?”
“We’ve survived enough secrets and I don’t want to do that again, but I think it would be good if we kept this—whatever it is—quiet around the hospital. It would be best for both of us.”
“Whatever it is,”he repeated to himself. “Allow me to be clear since it seems like we’re not. I’m not seeing anyone else and I’m sure as hell not sleeping with anyone. Maybe it’spresumptuous of me, but I want you all to myself. I’d find a way to survive if I couldn’t have that but I’ll be a hell of a lot happier knowing you’re all mine. That’s whatthisis.”
I put the coffee down so I didn’t spill it. I didn’t know if Henry could feel the tremors rippling through my body. I wanted him to know that he’d shaken me right down to the marrow and my entire body was too busy processing those words to do anything as complicated as speaking.
And I wanted him to tell me what he truly meant because no one wanted me all to themselves, no one promised to never let go. That wasn’t real. It wasn’tmyreal. It couldn’t be. Just like he hadn’t been waiting for me all this time. At best, he’d waited since crashing into my life at the start of his rotation.
He propped his chin on his fist as he swept an unhurried gaze along the flare of my hips and up to my breasts. Rarely did I concern myself with how others viewed my body, but there was something in the way he stared at me, his lips slightly parted and his granite jaw pulsing, that made me wonder what he saw.
“I’m not interested in sleeping with anyone else,” I said.
That lazy gaze stayed fixed on my breasts for another moment, moving like the kind of caress that started tender and ended with a rude pinch. “Any other ground rules?”
And now my nipples joined the party. The only proportional response was to stare at his forearms. I tapped my coffee cup to his, saying, “Hands off at the hospital.”
“That’s not a new rule, honey. Give me something harder. I need a real challenge.”
In truth, I was out of rules. I was too busy takingI’m not letting you goand holding it up against all the peace I’d made with staying single. All the soft spots and dark corners where I hid away the bitterness of never being chosen by the ones who were supposed to want me. All the doubt that this would last beyond a few more feverish moments.
So, I said, “I want to get some pumpkins.”
“Pumpkins. Sure.” He glanced around Mt. Vernon Street. “Nearby? Or are we leaving the city and finding ourselves a farm?”
My god, he’d be adorable in a pumpkin patch. Thinking about it was like a sugar rush. My teeth hurt. “There’s a farmers market not too far from here. We could walk.”
He set my feet on the ground and ran both hands up my thighs, his thumbs pressed to the tender insides. His palm spanned the thickest part of my leg and I watched as he pressed each fingertip into me like he wanted me to feel every one of them. “Then let’s get you some pumpkins.”
I discovered rather quicklythat Henry knew little of Boston. He had a sketchy understanding of the public transit system and his points of reference included the hospital campus, one grocery store, and several bars. To be fair, that covered the breadth and depth of a resident’s life, but I took it as an opportunity to show him some of my favorite spots.
We wandered through the city, our fingers twined together and the sun beating down on our shoulders, and it was like it’d always been this way. Likewe’dalways been this way. There were moments when I glanced at Henry and I was certain I was looking at one of our million lazy weekend memories.
I caught myself wanting it to be one of our million.
We shared a soft pretzel as we strolled around the farmers market. Whenever Henry wanted a bite, he’d take hold of my wrist and eat right out of my hand. My entire torso broke out in goose bumps over that move. I didn’t think I’d ever recover.
We let our bellies lead us around the market, sampling everything and buying anything that sounded good. It was allDo you like this cheese?andWhat do you think about blackberry thyme jam?andHow about some apples?andThat bread smells phenomenal.
I spent an unacceptably long time surveying the pumpkins. It made no sense seeing as I was only putting them on my stoop and the squirrels of Beacon Hill would surely disembowel them within days. Still, I wanted the right pumpkins, and every time I said to Henry, “I’m almost there. Just another minute,” he was quick to reply with, “Take your time, sweetheart. I’m not goin’ anywhere.”
He didn’t hurry me. He never zoned out with his phone. He didn’t even look bored. Whenever I talked to myself about one having a wobbly bottom or another looking a little too flat, he’d respond, telling me he agreed or to check out the one to my left. And when I finally made my selections, he said, “I’ve got them,” and tucked two huge pumpkins under his arms like they weighed nothing at all.
Once again, I enjoyed the gifts granted to me by this man’s t-shirt collection.
I repeatedly offered to take one of the pumpkins as we walked back to my place. He always refused, laughing to himself as he swept his gaze over me like there was something very amusing about that request. “Let me do this,” he said.
We talked about the hot, not-especially-autumnal weather we were having and how this city wasn’t what either of us had expected. He told me about his sister’s research into the Brontës’ impact on modern feminist literature, I told him about Meri’s inability to find a resident she could mentor into a neonatal surgery fellow. We complained about how there was a lot less sky out here compared to where we’d grown up.
