Meri was silent for a long moment. Then she dissolved into a fit of deep belly laughs. “Are you fucking kidding me? The best man from that huge wedding in Tahoe is a surgical resident atthishospital and he’s onyourservice?”
“How can you laugh at a time like this?” I gazed at her, my mouth open in shock, hands still fisted in my hair. “What about this do you find funny?”
“The entire thing,” she said. “Every drop of it, starting with you breaking all the rules at that wedding and?—”
“How long have you been waiting to bring that up?”
“—ending with you paying for that crime in the most painful and hilarious way possible.”
“Do you honestly think I have the capacity to deal with the fact that I’ve had a one-night stand with a resident? And I have to see him every day for the next two months? I have to teach him?”
Meri shrugged. “If there’s anyone who can, it’s you.”
“Shall I remind you that my sister is still living with me? And that she’s strangling every last inch of order and peace I have with her craft projects and all-night binge-watching and the laundry that she compulsively fluffs and never takes out of the dryer? Or that I am still spoon-feeding the basic tenets of professional standards to our colleagues? Do I really need the added bonus of a wedding hookup on my service to round out my life?Really?”
She gave me a monstrously tart grin that sent me in search of objects to throw at her. A heart-shaped pillow from her sofa embroidered withThe best gifts come in the tiniest packageswas my first choice. She caught it and tucked it against her chest. “It could be worse.”
“How could it be worse?” I roared.
“I don’t know.” She rolled her eyes to the ceiling. “He could be married. Is he married?”
“He asked if he could buy me coffee sometime, so I’m going to assume that he’s not.”
She winged the pillow back at me, nailing me on the side of my face. “Why didn’t you lead with that? Here I am, thinking he’s playing it off like he doesn’t know you and pretending it didn’t happen, when in reality he wants another bite.”
I pressed both palms to my face. “Don’t say that! There will be no biting. Nothing like that. He’s a first-year resident.”
“Wait a second. How is the best man afirst-year? He’s way older than all the fresh-faced twentysomething baby surgeons running around here. He’s at least thirty-two, thirty-three. I’d bet money on it.”
“I don’t know that either.” I tossed the pillow back to the sofa. “I just told him that whatever happened at the wedding happened and we had to keep it professional now.”
“And his response to that was to ask you on a coffee date?”
I shrugged. I couldn’t tell her the rest. I couldn’t process those details yet. This was very much arun from the saber-tooth tiger and sort out the shit latersituation. “Yeah, pretty much.”
“Whit, helikesyou!” She kicked her feet up and cackled. “It’s going to be so much fun to watch you sweat and squirm for two whole months.”
“He does not like me. Even if he did, it doesn’t matter. Itcan’tmatter.” I resumed my pacing and went back to whittling away my thumb. “I’ve tethered my entire career to implementing this professional standards initiative and giving everyone some goddamn ethics. The absolute last thing I can do right now is start a relationship with my resident. That’s even worse than being verbally abusive. There’s a significant power imbalance. I’d get fired if anyone found out?—”
“In no world would you get fired for hooking up with a residentbeforehe was your resident and without you knowing that he would be your resident,” she interrupted. “We are crazy about a lot of things around here, but we’re notthatcrazy.”
“What about the part where I hooked up with him while attending a wedding I wasn’t invited to?”
Meri snagged her lower lip between her teeth. “I will admit that’s less than ideal.”
“I don’t get to fuck up, Meri. I don’t get to have less than ideal situations on my hands. Cossapino, Pecklewithe, Sadiskowski—they’re all just waiting for the moment when I snap at a tech or yell at some residents. If they found out about any of this, it’s over and all my work will go down in flames with me.” I met her gaze. “I can’t let that happen. I cannot have that girl’s deathon my handsandthrow away the only hope I have at making it right.”
Meri ran the pad of her thumb over her nails. “Her death isn’t on your hands. You know that as well as I do.”
The logical, intellectual part of my mind agreed with Meri. That part knew it was absurd to shoulder the blame. Yet there was a small, steadfast corner clinging tight to that blame becausesomeonehad to be responsible. Someone had todosomething.
“I know that I’ve put too much into this initiative to throw it away for coffee with a resident who made excellent use of eight condoms in one night.”
“Eight?”
I gave a slow nod. “Eight.”
With a sigh, Meri swung her legs over the chair and pushed to her feet. “Then we’ll come up with a plan to keep him as far away from you as possible until it’s time for him to bounce on over to a new rotation.” I started to interrupt, but Meri cut me off, saying, “Before you tell me that you’re duty-bound to teach him everything you know about heart transplants, I’ll remind you that your chief resident and your fellows carry most of the instructional load when it comes to first-years. Unless you want to hand-select this boy to scrub in on your procedures, you’ll primarily see him during rounds. Do you think you can keep your hands off each other for an hour or two each week? Or will you need eight condoms for that too?”
