“That’s enough,” Henry yelled, one hand on his waist while the other gripped his forehead. “Enough.Time out. Whit and I are going to”—he glanced toward the hall leading to my room, but the abandoned clothes and the sofa of ill-repute all blocked the path—“we’re going to step outside for a few minutes. You two put some clothes on. Everyone slow down and catch your breath.”
I let Henry lead me back to the landing and I plopped down onto the first step, my elbows on my legs and my head clasped between my hands. I didn’t have to stay here, did I? It was my house, this perfect little slice of a perfect little brownstone with a view of the horizon and a spider that kept on spinning despite all the reasons to give up, but I could leave that behind. It would be better this way. It would be better for me to leave my home than stay here and watch while Brie continued to leave me.
“It’s probably nothing,” Henry said, pacing behind me. “There’s no reason to panic. Don’t build this into one of your catastrophes.”
I could go to Meri’s place. She had an extra room. But I couldn’t go home. Not after all of this. I couldn’t pretend that we could keep doing this to each other and live to tell about it.
“Let’s not make a big deal out of this,” he went on. “So, they got together. It happens. They’re both going through difficult times. It’ll probably fizzle out if it even lasts beyond tonight.”
I didn’t want to be the one to go, but after being left so many times, I knew I couldn’t endure it again.
“I don’t want you to worst-case scenario your way through it,” he said. “All those terrible outcomes that you have spinning through your head right now, shut them down. No catastrophes.”
It took a minute, but his words finally seeped in. I shifted on the step to face him. “What is it you don’t want me to do?”
“I’m telling you not to take this too seriously.”
I didn’t know why that wounded me, why I felt those words like an accusation. I felt a rush of anger inside me, unruly and made of thorns, and I couldn’t shove it down. I couldn’t shove anything down.
“Why not? I’m just wondering, Henry, why it’s so bad for me to take things seriously. If I don’t, who will?”
“Because we don’t have to care about them hooking up.” He set his hands on his waist. “It’s probably a one-time thing.”
“And if it’s not? You said it yourself, he’s fucked up. She’s acting out some destructive daddy issues. Why shouldn’t I care? And before you tell me it’s not my problem, it ends up being my problem sooner or later. Don’t you get that yet?”
“Okay, then it’s just a new challenge to tackle. Nothing we can’t do.”
I shoved to my feet. I felt heat climbing up my neck, over my cheeks. “That’s all it is to you,” I said softly. “It’s just one challenge after another, isn’t it?”
He drummed his index fingers on his belt. “Yeah. We’ll get through it.”
I stared ahead at the wall, not wanting to see his face when he heard the question that came from a hollow, fractured place inside me that ached even more after this fight with Brie. “Is that what I am? A challenge?”
“Is that—what?” He jogged down the steps to meet me at eye level and shifted me to face him. “Explain yourself.”
I jerked up a shoulder, trying to dislodge him, but it was no use. “I’m just wondering,” I said, the words coming out with a harsh, frosty edge, “if it’s always been about the challenge for you. I mean, isn’t that what you do? You went to med school because the hardest possible rescue assignment wasn’t interesting enough anymore. Why wouldn’t you then go after someone who is completely off-limits? And won’t you get bored soon enough now that the stakes are lowered?”
He dragged his fingers along my neck, pressing and kneading the muscles as he stared at me. “No.”
“That’s it? Justno?”
“It’s the answer.”
He leaned in to kiss me, but I turned my head. I didn’t want that right now. I didn’t think I could bear it. I felt as though I was minutes away from crumbling—or exploding.
With a sigh, he said, “You weren’t off-limits at the wedding.”
I shrugged out of his hold, stomping down a few more stairs. “That was different. We both knew it was just one night.”
“Maybe you did.”
“You knew it was one night,” I argued. “You gave me the whole speech about how you never did things like that and?—”
“I didn’t until you.”
“—and now I’m one of your many challenges,” I said. “Is that how it happened? I left without explanation and then, months later, I’m your supervisor, so what choice did you have? It’s not like you could’ve listened when I told you this wasn’t an option.”
“You wanted this as much as I did,” he roared.
