I made a point of arriving there too late for anything more than a quickhello, good to see you, good night,and promptly closed myself in the room I used to share with Ash. It was a guest room now, stripped of its boyish blues and browns, and refined in a way it'd never been when we were kids.
I spent the night alternating between staring at the ceiling, checking my phone, and sleeping in fitful, disappointing bursts. There was a pinch in my chest every time I opened the messaging app and found nothing new from Jasper. I was capable of texting her, though that seemed like the wrong course of action. She was clear about what she wanted and I had no business standing in her way.
I couldn't offer her much, but more than that, she'd have to give up everything she thought she wanted to stay here with me. And I knew it made me the exact mansplainer dickhead she accused me of being by suggesting she didn't actually want any of the things she went after, but it was the truth.
She didn't want that job out in California, she wanted the redemption it represented.
She didn't want to work on another campaign—or whatever the hell it was—she wanted to be sought-after.
She didn't want to devote her entire existence to another politician, she wanted a place and a family and—
Well, that didn't matter.
None of it mattered.
That morning, I was up and out before my parents. My appointment in nearby Dartmouth wasn't until the afternoon but I kept myself busy checking on trees at two South Coast area golf courses until then. I went a little overboard with my note-taking (completely illegible nonsense) and scaled a few more trees than the conditions called for (none of them needed a moment's attention) but I couldn't obsess over Jasper and her decisions while twenty feet off the ground and holding on with one hand and a toehold.
I obsessed enough with both feet on the ground.
* * *
When it cameto trees I'd never examined before, I liked to sit with them for a time. It helped me understand how they'd grown and the ways in which the wind moved through them. Usually, I had no trouble focusing on this task. Being among trees was the most natural thing in the world to me and it didn't require any deep level of awareness but today, dammit, today I could not see anything but Jasper.
Every time we went into the woods together flashed before me like a memory book. Every time I backed her up against a tree. Every time she looked at me with those round, vulnerable eyes and told the truth about things that scared her. Every time I swore she'd figure it all out.
And she did. She figured it out. She figured herself right out of my life.
I managed to get through the consultation despite my complete inability to function, and got the hell out of Dartmouth. I returned to my parents' house because Jasper might be at home or she might be gone, and neither option was acceptable. If push came to shove, I could avoid my house for a full month.
I stopped short when I entered the kitchen and found my sister seated at the table, her feet propped on the opposite chair, her laptop and notebook spread out in front of her. "What are you doing here?" I asked.
"What are you?" she shot back.
I hooked a thumb over my shoulder. "I had work in Dartmouth."
She placed both hands on her belly. "Rob had a last minute thing in New York and since I require full-time supervision, Mom picked me up this morning." With a shrug, she added, "She ran out to the grocery store because I told her I need organic baby carrots."
"Are you that much of a pain in the ass or did you need a break?"
"Yes."
We shared a laugh and that was probably the first time I'd managed more than a scowl in twenty-four hours. It felt…strange.
I dropped into the chair beside her feet. "How are you not losing your mind with everyone hovering over you?"
"Oh, I've already lost it. I lost it back when the ultrasound tech said 'and we have a second heartbeat here.' It's been a downward spiral of wild and wacky times since then."
"And you're just going along with it? With Mom taking custody of you because your husband is away for the night?"
She gestured to her belly. "Do I want someone babysitting me? No. Of course not, Lin. But I have five more days until it's time to evict these boys and I have a serious suspicion they'll beat that timeline. I need someone around if for no other reason than to get me carrots when I feel like them. I'm not working this week because—"
"Excuse me." I tapped the lid of her laptop. "What does this look like to you?"
She rolled her eyes. "Okay, yes, it'sworkbut I'm not in the office and all of my calls are being forwarded. I even put my email on out-of-office too."
"That's so brave of you."
Another eyeroll. "I need Mom hovering right now. I'm not interested in driving myself to the hospital any more than I'm interested in a home birth." She shifted in her seat, gave a wince, and held up a hand as if warning off the concern I was about to express. "It's all good. Just my bones feeling like they're all in the wrong places."
