She gazed down at Annabelle, ran a finger over her plump cheek. My sister-in-law didn't spare me another glance. I curled my hand around the backpack strap. I needed to get moving but something about this exchange kept me rooted in place. Eventually, she said, "What about Tom?"
I shook my head once. "Tom will be fine."
She glanced up, her stare hot enough to burn holes right through my clothes and skin and bones. She pointed to the ottoman in front of her. I went there and sat without question. "Tom doesn't know you're leaving."
All statement. No question.
I shook my head again. Goddamn, I was such a chickenshit bastard. "He knew I wasn't staying."
Shannon arched an eyebrow up. "That is not good enough for me. You come here, you reach out to him, you let him fall in love with you, and now you're leaving like a thief in the fucking night. That's not good enough for him and you know damn well it isn't good enough for me."
"It's not good enough for me either," I whisper-yelled, my palm flat on my chest to keep my heart from tearing its way out. "What would you have me do, Shannon? Should I go to work for Will? That would be nice and tidy, wouldn't it? I can live in your garage apartment for the next five years while Tom waits for me to come out to my parents and I wait for him to stop rushing me."
"Listen to me, Wes, and listen good. I know your parents. I know your father. I know him as well as I know my siblings and there is no way in hell he'd do anything but embrace you just as you are. I believe that in my bones."
For a second, I thought about telling Shannon the truth about men like me, my brother, my father. The things we'd done, the things we'd seen. But this kind and frankly terrifying woman didn't need to hear these realities. They wouldn't change her beliefs about the Commodore.
"You know one side," I conceded. "I know another. Let's leave it there."
"I will not," she replied. "I won't leave it there. You could stay, Wes. You could stay here as long as you want and you could work things out with your parents and—"
"Yeah, I could," I interrupted. "But I need to go. I need to figure some things out on my own."
"And then you'll come back." Another statement. "You'll come back here, Wes."
I shrugged. "We'll see what happens, where I land."
She stared at me for a long beat and then shifted Annabelle to her other side. "What do you need?"
"Nothing," I answered, nodding toward the pack slung over my shoulder. "I'm all good, Shannon. Thank you for worrying."
"I am not referring to your ability to cross the globe with little more than your street smarts." She huffed out a breath. "I meant—you know—a warmer coat or pain medication for your arm or legally gotten money or a key to Tom's apartment because that's where you should be right now." She eyed me, all that maternal contempt in one stare. "I have all of the above if you need them, though I'm aware you can do just fine without keys."
I laced my fingers together, gazed at the rug beneath my feet. I'd planned to whisper my goodbyes and press a kiss to that precious baby's head and be gone. I hadn't expected this detour. I hadn't mentally prepared for this detour. Hadn't gathered up the words necessary to separate myself from the people who forced me back to health and the babies I'd grown to adore. And I was nowhere near prepared to pass up entrance to my love's home.
I dug deep to find the strength I'd relied on for so many years and came up lacking. "Shannon," I said through a sigh, "I…I have to go."
"I also know he'll be at the gym at five-fifteen which is"—she shot a glance at the mermaid clock on the opposite wall—"not that far from now."
I dropped my head into my hand. "Shannon,please."
"Please tell you where to find his gym? Or please give you the key to his apartment?" she asked. "Because you can't possibly be asking me to make this sneaky exit any easier on you. There are a lot of people I care about in this world. A lot of people I'll do anything to protect. But you need to know Tom is a special one. He's been through too much, lost too much. I'm not going to sit by and let you hurt him."
"This isn't about Tom. It's me. I don't want to be here anymore," I said softly. "I can't—I can't be here. I need to figure out my life. I need to figure out who I am if I'm not a spy or sailor because I don't know. So, yeah, I could go to his apartment right now. I could crash his Tuesday morning workout. But none of that solves any of my real problems."
She reached out, dropped her hand onto my forearm. "I understand, but believe me when I tell you the answer is not disappearing in the middle of the night," she said. "I tell you this from experience. My sister, she needed to be somewhere else and she needed to be there for a long time. And as much as I hated it, I understood her need to leave. But I've never understood her need to leave without saying goodbye. Without showing me her face and making me believe she'd be all right when she got where she was going and letting me tell her she could always come home and I'd always go to her if she needed me. I spent entire years of my life being hurt and angry by that choice. Even now, I love heraroundthat choice because that sting never goes away. Don't do that to him, Wes. Please don't do that. Don't make him find a way to love you around it."
"If I don't say goodbye, it's not over," I replied, still staring at the rug. "If I leave and put my life in order, there's a chance things could be different for us. There's a chance, Shannon, and I need the chance more than I need to take the polite route."
That earned me another bone-burning stare before she said, "What if youarewho he needs? You, just as you exist in this moment. What if you're already there and you're running away to fix problems you've inflated in your mind? What if you're throwing away something good and real? And what if leaving now, like this, eliminates any possibility of him ever taking you back? Have you considered that?"
"Have I considered that?" I repeated. "Have I considered that? Huh. I guess you're right. If only I stopped to assess the situation and evaluate the options. It's too bad I've been trained in advanced spycraft and special ops and spent the past decade executing top secret covert affairs which all required split-second decision-making. If only I knew how to function in fluid situations, maybe then I'd be able to crack this one."
"Your sarcasm can suck my dick," she said.
"I've considered all the possibilities you've identified and it's time for me to go." I patted her hand, still on my forearm, and gave her a watery smile. "I'll let you know where I land."
Her grip on me tightened. "Wes, please," she said. "I swear to you, there's a better way."
