I knew I was good for a fun time in the summer. That was how it went for me. I went starry-eyed and lovesick, and they went back to their lives in the city. Summer loves only led to autumn heartbreak, and that was why I needed thefantasy.
I blinked that thought away as I stared at the ceiling. It was another hot, humid night and the ceiling fan only moved the oppressive air around. By all accounts, it was too hot for sex, for cuddling, for anything more energetic than lying flat on the bed and breathing. But none of that registered. It was as if my body didn't care to process anything but the feel of Cole's fingertips sliding over my hip. His head was on my chest, his arm around my waist, and his legs tangled between mine. The quilt was in a heap on the floor and the sheets were clinging to one corner of themattress.
This, right here, was myheaven.
"Have you ever been with a woman?" heasked.
I shook my head. "No. Came close once," I admitted. "After that situation, it was pretty obvious I wasn't interested in the hetero scene." I brushed his damp hair off his forehead. "You?"
"Not…quite," hesaid.
"Go ahead and explain that one," I said,laughing.
Cole dragged his hand up my belly to the center of my chest and drummed his fingers there. "I was a little slutty incollege."
"Slutty or experimental?" Iasked.
He bobbed his head for a second, humming while he considered this. "Slutty," he replied with a laugh. "But also, experimental. Sluttily experimental, Iguess."
"Was it fun?" Iasked.
Cole hesitated. "Yeah, most of the time. Going away to college was a big change for me. I didn't know who I was back then, or how to be comfortable with myself. I was out then but I didn't know how my sexuality fit into my identity. I didn't know what it meant to embrace the feelings I'd had for so long, and then experience them with someone else. I didn't how to accept and embrace myself as a gay man. There were days when I struggled with it. I mean, I didn't walk around with a Pride pin on myjacket."
"You don't do that now," Isaid.
"And neither do you," heargued.
I stared at Cole, willing him to meet my eyes, but he didn't. "Fair enough," I replied. "Where does the experimentation comein?"
"College was like an all-you-can-eat sex buffet," he said. "Most of the time, it was with men, but there was one time with a woman. Sort of. Notcompletely."
I didn't want to hear this. I didn't, but I did. The thought of Cole with other men—a buffet of men, no less—twisted my gut. Cole with women was a different form of pain. I could hold my own when I was competing with gay guys for his affection, but I was powerless when it came to women. "All right. This woman. What's her story? Were you out withher?"
"I wasn't, no. I was still figuring out how to say it, believe it, own it back then. I made some mistakes along the way." He hesitated. "We were friends though it was clear she wanted to be more. She flirted with me all the time and always had a reason to touchme—"
"That's fantastic," I grumbled. This jealousy of mine, it knew noreason.
"She was all the right things—nice, funny, smart—but I wasn't into her," he said, ignoring me. "Not at all. Objectively, I knew she was beautiful andsexy—"
"Of course she was," I said under mybreath.
He speared me with an amused smirk. "She was beautiful and sexy but I still wasn't into her," he continued. "She started seeing a guy. I figured she'd shift her attention toward him but it didn't work out that way. Instead, she wanted the three of us to hangout."
"Because they both wanted to fuck you," I said, not at all surprised by the bright streak of possession racing through my blood. "Right? Isn't that the way it workedout?"
Cole continued tapping his fingers against my breastbone, studying my skin withoutresponding.
Eventually, he heaved out a sigh and said, "I didn't recognize that to the be the case at first, but yeah. That's what happened. Basically." He sanded his fingers through my chest hair. "It was just one time. I didn't do anything with her. Not really. The guy, though, he wanted to play. He was pretty enthusiastic about me introducing him to his prostate. She was cool with that but I'm certain she imagined herself as the star of the evening rather than the minor player. Looking back, I think she wanted to start a stable." He layered his hands over my heart, dropped his chin there, and met my eyes. "That was my first and last time with a woman. If you can even call that beingwithawoman. She went out of her way to avoid me after that. The guy hit me up every time he was lonely anddrunk."
"I hate her," I said. "I'm not fond of himeither."
Cole rolled away from me as he shook with laughter. "You shouldn't," he said between gasps. "It was several lifetimes ago. I hadn't thought about her inyears."
"Yeah, well, I'm still not happy with her." I reached for him and caught hold of his backside. "Get back here," I ordered, pinching until heyelped.
"That's going to leave a mark," he said, glancing over his shoulder. "Remind me to never activate your jealousside."
"I'll kiss it better," I promised. "Sorry. I didn't expect you to tell me about a threesome with a side story about you fingering some virginass."
