Date: March 11
Subject: Hello
It's not crazy. That baby will be very, very loved.
Congratulations.
* * *
To: Erin Walsh
From: Shannon Halsted
Date: March 12
Subject: Hello
Thank you for being so kind, but I'm sorry about my message earlier this week. I was overwhelmed with this and I word-vomited all over you. I'm sorry.
* * *
To: Shannon Halsted
From: Erin Walsh
Date: March 15
Subject: Hello
There's no reason to apologize. Thank you for sharing your news with me.
* * *
To: Erin Walsh
From: Shannon Halsted
Date: March 16
Subject: Hello
I meant what I said about wanting you to be the first to know. Some things will never change.
* * *
I didn't knowhow to respond to Shannon's last message, and I didn't. It stayed at the top of my inbox, half taunt, half evidence that she didn't completely hate me. Every few days, I drafted a new message, and then promptly deleted it. Sometimes I requested that she elaborate, as I didn't know which things fell under the never-changing umbrella. Other times I asked about her pregnancy or Will or our siblings, or spilled all the beans on me and Nick.
It went on like this for weeks. Whenever my mind wandered away from my research or I was flailing in Nick's absence, I was struck by the urge to reconnect with her. Instead, I reread all of her messages, mining them for hidden meaning. This was my way of treading lightly, and not fucking things up for either of us.
Or, that was what I was telling myself.
Shannon's emails were the exact things I'd beat to death with Nick. He'd listen to my fears and shoot each of them down. He'd remind me of something I'd done that he saw as monumental, and hold it up alongsidean emailfrommy sister, and push me to admit that I was stirring up tornadoes where there was no wind.
Being separated from Nick was difficult. I hadn't expected that. We'd always gone through fits and spurts of togetherness, and I figured we'd go through this one with no trouble. In the back of my mind, I'd assumed I'd simply get down to business and power through a hefty chunk of work because I wouldn't be making time for video chats or email exchanges.
That wasn't the case. Yeah, I worked a ton, but I also dedicated a remarkable amount of time to missing Nick. We were able to talk every few weeks, but it was brief, and only scratched the surface of his journeys and my studies. We couldn't discuss random historical events or debate the new theory floating around the planetary physics community, and I realized how desperately I needed those conversations to build my bond with him. Without them, I was disconnected and painfully lonely.
Perhaps it was that Nick was the one off the grid this time around, and now I was on the receiving end of the prolonged silence. It was a bitter taste of my own medicine, and one that had me struggling with this multi-continental marriage situation. None of this was getting any easier, and it wouldn't get better until something changed.
