“I need to think about it.” I felt his mouth curve into a smile as he kissed my neck and shoulders, and I stopped trying to untangle everything he said when he led me back to bed.
He wrapped me in his arms, rubbing my back and kissing my neck. A paralyzing terror climbed up my spine and curled around my belly, and though I wanted to embrace the offer of bookshelves, of everything he offered, one word stuck in my throat: scenery. This was nothing more than scenery, and I was losing sight of the mission.
I’d been kidding myself these past months, thinking I could walk the line between dedicating myself to opening my school and seeing Matthew. I didn’t belong to the coupled world, not now, and a new plan wasn’t changing that.
He fell asleep quickly, but I lay there for hours, vibrating with that suffocating panic, replaying this conversation and every minute of our time together.
I knew the score, and I knew the stakes.
Leave nothing on the road.
Chapter Twenty-Six
MATTHEW
One of thesedays, I was going to figure out Lauren, but I could bet my ass it wasn’t going to be today. She stewed in her stress, tucking it aside and plastering fake smiles on to keep everyone away, but she let it linger and fester. I saw past the smiles and the bullshit, but I couldn’t see the source of that stress.
It went downhill last week, that I knew. It was risky asking her to move in, but we couldn’t keep wandering between her place and mine. I was nearly thirty-one, and living out of a backpack for days on end was altogether too undergrad-esque for my tastes. But instead of agreeing to make our arrangement slightly more permanent, Lauren started plotting her escape.
I always figured she had a tidy plan for selecting the right guy and engaging in a fair amount of relationship due diligence. It wasn’t surprising to hear she wanted to wait, either. Part of her loved military precision, and her desire for thorough rigidity made sense when I thought about it long enough.
But what confounded me was that shewasn’twaiting and shewasn’tfollowing the tidy plan, and it was only problematic when I suggested officially moving in together. Why didn’t she see that we were following her plan, but in a slightly modified order?
Or was I not husband material?
She responded to some texts but ignored most others, and for the first time in months, we were sleeping apart. She blamed her period, but that never barred me from her bed before. I would have gone to her, banging on her door with panties in hand—and maybe her favorite cupcakes, too—but the atmosphere shifted when I told her I loved her and asked her to live with me. She was disappearing, and I was watching it happen.
And now, parked outside Shannon’s apartment building, I felt her drifting out of my reach.
“We don’t have to go in,” I said. Lauren glanced at me with a raised eyebrow and I continued. “That Thai place on Cambridge Street is open today. The one you like. They have good sake.”
She shifted to face me, her eyes narrowed. “This seems really important to Shannon, and it’s one of your only family traditions. Why would you skip out on that?”
How was it possible? After all this time, how could she not see how much I adored her?
Drumming my fingers on the steering wheel, I forced myself to count to ten in my head to reign in my percolating frustration. “For you. I’d skip it for you. I see them,” I gestured toward the building, “every day.”
“You’re being ridiculous,” she muttered, turning her attention out the window.
“No, Lauren, you’re being ridiculous. I want you, whatever it takes, but I need you to stop pushing me away.”
“You say that, Matthew, but you don’t think about anything. You just say the first thing that comes into your head because it feels good in the moment.”
I ran my hands through my hair, fisting the strands and hating that she interpreted my love as an offhand remark. “I don’t obsess about what I think I’m supposed to do, or when I’m supposed to do it, or what anyone will think of my choices, and I don’t make myself miserable about any of it.”
And now I was treatingheradmissions like offhand remarks.
“I’m sorry, I have to overthink things. I have too much going on right now to do whatever I want.”
“Does this usually work for you, Lauren? Pushing people away and hiding behind the whole workaholic thing because it’s easier than figuring out what you really want?”
“How can you say that? How can you even say that to me?”
I shifted to face Lauren, my expression grim and chilled. “Let me repeat myself: you’d rather close yourself off to everyone than figure out what you want.” I sat back in my seat and bit my tongue before I let this spiral any further out of control.
“I’m not interested in arguing with you right now.”
“Fine,” I murmured. “Let’s go.”
