Tiel laughed, and as it rang in my ear, I realized I was smiling.
“You were just being yourself, honey. Don’t beat yourself up about it,” she said.
“That was the sweetest insult I’ve ever heard,” I chuckled. “I’d take your abuse any day. But seriously, when are we going out next? I’m beginning to tolerate hillbilly music, but I’d listen to anything if it meant I could kiss you again.”
“Hillbilly music,” she repeated, her voice bubbling with laughter.
“Can I tell you a secret?”
“How drunk are you?” she said.
I wasn’t acknowledging the drunk comment. I didn’t care if she thought alcohol was greasing the words. “I’m in a weird place right now, like a funk. It reminds me of the last time I was camping near the bottom of Quechee Gorge in Vermont except I’m stuck there, in the canyon. But when I’m with you, I don’t feel stuck.”
“Oh, Sam—”
“Don’t do that, Tiel. Yell at me for being a dick, give me shit for ordering cucumbers in my gin, but don’t talk to me like I’m a three-legged dog.” I slid farther down, pillowing an arm under my head as I stared at the ductwork on the ceiling. “I want to see you.”
“I don’t think that’s good for me,” she said.
“Come out with me on Friday,” I said. “I’m getting an award for something. We can do that, and then go wherever you want. I want to see you.”
“I don’t know, Sam. I want to see you too, but . . .”
“There’s nothing to deliberate,” I said. “I’m a lonely perv without you.”
She sighed, and I realized I should have gone after her. I should have followed her home and explained the web of crazy in my head, all of it, and if I had done that, I wouldn’t be sprawled on the cold concrete floor right now, alone.
“What’s the award for?” she asked.
“I built something and people liked it,” I said. “I’m pretty great like that.”
Tiel burst out laughing, and I let the sound unravel all my twisted misery. With each of her gasping breaths, I felt lighter, freer, and if it was possible, happier.
“I’m going to tell you what I’m thinking from now on,” I said. I heard the slur in my voice but hoped she didn’t notice. This was honesty, not inebriation. “All the time. Total honesty. If I’d said what I was thinking last week, I wouldn’t have hurt you and you wouldn’t be mad at me now. I don’t always say what I want to say.”
“Oh, I know that,” she laughed. “You have entire conversations with yourself that no one else is invited to.”
I closed my eyes, smiled, and convinced myself to just fucking say it. “I’m picking you up at seven on Friday. Wear something that gives me a decent view of your tits. I need to keep myself entertained around these crusty old architects, and there’s nothing on this planet I enjoy more than your breasts. You have no idea how much I want to taste them. I had the first wet dream I’ve had in years this week, and it was because of those tits. I didn’t even mind waking up in a fucking puddle.”
“What the fuck are you doing on the floor? And who are you talking to? You know I can fucking hear you all the way upstairs, right?” I turned my head and saw Riley standing over me. He grabbed my elbow and hauled me up. “Get your ass into bed, son. We have a meetingwith clientsat eight.”
“Is that Riley?” Tiel giggled. “Are you in trouble?”
“You have five minutes to be asleep or I’m taking your phone,” Riley said as he pushed me in the direction of my room.
“I’d rather be sleeping with you.” I groaned and shuffled toward my bed. “Actually, I’d rather fuck youthensleep with you.”
“Now I know you’re really drunk,” she mumbled.
“The world makes sense when you let me hold you, and I can only imagine holding you naked would bear similar, if not better, results.” Tiel didn’t respond, and I checked my battery before saying, “Was that the wrong thing?”
“No,” she said. “No. Keep saying exactly what you’re thinking. I’ll see you on Friday.”
“Tiel?” She yawned in response. “Thanks for sorting me out. Again.”
“Of course, Sam. Always. Sleep well.”
I fell face-first onto my bed, and slept until the alarm on my glucose monitor started vibrating against my hip before dawn. I couldn’t keep doing this to myself. Drinking, not eating, exercising like crazy. My body had no idea what was going on from one minute to the next, and it showed in these violent blood sugar swings.
