Will followed him around the house while we stood guard at the door. Sac Sweat produced a grocery bag filled with stuffed animals, rawhide bones, and tennis balls, and Will gestured toward Matt. "Hand them over, to my friend here," he said. "What about this guy's bed? Where does he sleep?"
Sac Sweat kicked an empty case of beer and swore under his breath. "He's a dog. He sleeps on the fucking floor."
Will growled and shook his head, staring at him for a long moment before twisting Sac Sweat's ear lobe. He was on the ground and whimpering again.
"You're some kind of stupid," Will said. "I'm not leaving here without the dog's bed, his food, and his bowl. Nothing would make me happier than to take your ear with me, too. I'll add it to the jar I keep in my basement."
"Okay, okay," Sac Sweat cried. "Fine. I'll get the stuff, you creepy asshole. That bitch wasn't worth this kind of trouble."
"Shut the fuck up," Will said, "or be prepared to complete this task with some broken fingers."
"Guys," Riley murmured, glancing at us over his shoulder. "I didn't realize Will was arealbadass motherfucker. I'm a little scared right now."
Matt snorted. "You and me both."
Sac Sweat bitched and moaned the entire time, but eventually produced all of Gronk's things. "Hopefully the search for your testicles won't be nearly as complicated as rounding up some fucking kibble," Will said. "What kind of man steals a girl's dog? You have some fucking problems. Get a goddamn therapist. Try anger management. Meditate. And whatever you do, lay off the juice, man."
That sent Sac Sweat on edge, and he rammed his fist against the door jamb. "Get the fuck off my property before I call the cops," he yelled. "My uncle's a State Trooper."
"Everyone's uncle is a Statey," Patrick replied. "Andyoustole a dog from a nice woman. You are the dickhead in this situation."
"This guy's not worth another second," I said. "Let's get out of here."
Will placed Gronk in Riley's hands as he inclined his head toward the SUV, and we backed away from the front porch. "Hey, swamp ass," he called, pivoting on the last step. "I took all your spoons. Have fun with that."
Sac Sweat glowered at us from his door, but didn't respond until we were within feet of the car.
"I knew she was a slut but I didn't think she'd run five dicks at once," he shouted. "Does she charge extra for that?"
Riley stopped, his jaw locked and his eyes narrowed, but didn't turn back.
"You're gonna need to double bag it with that whore," he continued. "Fuckin' trash."
"Are you handling this, or am I?" Will asked Riley under his breath.
Riley shoved the dog into Will's arms, turned, and within two huge strides, was driving his fist into Sac Sweat's jaw.
"Keep talking," Riley said, grabbing him by the front of his shirt. "Let's hear you spew some more shit because all I've wanted to do for the past hour is beat the snot out of your punk ass."
"Someone had to do it," Will said with a sigh. He handed the dog to me before counting to ten and pulling Riley away. "Okay, that's enough. He's already ugly, don't make it worse or he'll keep stealing dogs to get attention from the ladies."
Riley wiped his bloodied knuckles on his jeans. "Don't ever bother her again," he snarled. "I will come back here, and I'll wreck more than your face."
We piled into the SUV, now heavy one Boston Terrier and his belongings, and peeled out of the neighborhood.
"Nicely done, boys," Will said. "It's good to know that you can get your shit together sometimes."
"We really are like the Justice League," Riley said. "Or the Autobots. Or some bigger, better, united version of both."
"How did Gigi hook up with a douche canoe like that?" Matt asked. "She's a pretty girl, and she's smart, and he was…shit, he was a damn fucktart."
"Yeah, she deserves better than an asshole like that,” I added.
From the front seat, Riley shook his head. "Oh, trust me," he said. "She's heard that from me more than once. He made her pay for everything, and then opened credit cards in her name without telling her. And he was a mean little bitch, too. Always saying shitty things to her, and making her feel bad. She believed it would get better, but then something happened, and she finally saw the light."
"What a miserable excuse for a man," Will muttered.
"Awful," Riley said. "Did you really take his spoons?"
