Shannon:How traumatized was she, on a scale of your goldfish dying to finding your grandparents having sex
Will:That’s an awful scale. I’m not going to think about dead pets and naked grandparents
Shannon:Grow some balls, would you?
Shannon:It couldn’t have been that bad. She hasn’t called me screaming, and it’s not like you have much to traumatize her with.
Will:Look at you, insulting my dick like a champ
Will:Don’t lie. You enjoyed that, didn’t you?
Shannon:I’m ignoring you now.
*
Shannon:I left 2 pieces of grooved metal in the kitchen. They’re known as keys.
Shannon:These are probably new to you.
Shannon:Rather than using your black ops methods, please use them to get in and out of the building.
Will:Understood
Shannon:And no other commando tactics either, please.
Will:Dammit. I really wanted to practice my urban rooftop jumping
Shannon:None of that
Will:What about fast roping on power lines? Is that ok?
Shannon:No
Will:Well, shit. I’ll just reorganize your vibrators
Shannon:Please don’t
Will:No worries. I can diffuse a land mine. Vibrators don’t scare me
Shannon:Yeah. There’s nothing weird about this convo.
*
I ran outof patience for the world around two o’clock on Friday afternoon.
My advertising and media team had the combined common sense of an inchworm, Patrick was bitching about his assistant again, Riley managed to flood the basement at one of Sam’s properties, Lauren was pissed that I ditched pedicure night, Tom was complaining about every random thing that crossed his mind, and my unusually polite houseguest was fucking with my understanding of the universe.
To say Will was acting strangely would be the understatement of the year.
I didn’t know what to do with a well-behaved Will. I only knew the argumentative version who liked stripping me down and tying me up, and then going dark for weeks at a time. The man living in my guest room went to bed before ten every night, filled the refrigerator with my favorite cheeses, and made no attempt at touching me. The apartment was cleaner than I left it, and he took it upon himself to wash and fold my laundry.
I still didn’t know why he was here or how long he was staying, and I couldn’t get my head around this tentative roommate bullshit. It was a slow walk to crazy, and part of me was itching to insult him so we could get back to the place where we knew how to act around each other.
We didn’t speak much earlier in the week. Not beyond chilly texts. I headed to the gym before dawn and parked myself in the office until late each night. There was always some cheese, nuts, and bread waiting for me under plastic wrap when I got home, and I would have thanked him in some backhanded way if he wasn’t already in bed. The thought of crawling in beside him crossed my mind several thousand times each day, but I’d been down that path before, and I knew where it ended.
By the time this morning rolled around, Will was wise to my avoidance strategy. I nearly pissed myself from the shock of finding him seated on the kitchen counter, dressed in running shoes, track pants, and a wind shirt, hours before sun-up.
“Ready?” he asked.
