I didn’t know whether it was the exhaustion or the stress or something else altogether, but suddenly I was crying in the middle of this coffee shop. I didn’t have any pretty girl tears that gracefully streaked down my cheek. These tears were the quivering, sniffling, hiccupping kind that came with bloodshot eyes and puffy redness all over my face. I hated that I was melting down in front of this woman—the one I came here to annihilate—when I believed crying should be reserved for quiet, private moments far from the view of anyone else, ever.
Tiel grabbed my wrist and yanked my fingers away from the crumbs. “Honeybunch, you need to start talking.”
I told her everything I knew about his decision to leave his home, his work, and his family behind and spend an indeterminate amount of time camping. In the winter. In Maine. And then I waited, hoping she would offer some insight into this turn of events.
Tiel smiled to herself, a small, firm pull of her lips that told me I wasn’t going to get anything I wanted out of this discussion. She sat back and laced her fingers together. “You presume I had something to do with it?”
“As a matter of fact, yes. I believe you were dating my brother at one point, and now that you’re not, he finds it necessary to vanish into the woods.”
She ran her fingers through her hair with a sigh. “Shannon, I’m not clear how that’s any of your business. Sam is an adult and he does not need you or anyone else managing every one of the minute details of his life. Anything that transpired between us was just that—betweenus.”
At first, I was angry. I wasn’t used to defiance.
Then I remembered everything Will had said over the past few months. Were they right? Was I doing this all wrong? All this time, the only thing I ever wanted was to give my family everything they needed, wanted, and deserved.
The tears poured out again, a loud and hysterical mess, and I knew I was causing the kind of scene people live tweeted. I made my way to the bathroom and crouched in a stall, crying into my hands until I couldn’t find another drop to wring from my body.
When I returned to the table, Tiel was still there—a small surprise, all things considered—and she offered a patient smile. I saw it as an opening, and charged through it. “My mother,” I started. “She died when we were young.” I reached for my now-cool latte. “Did you know that?”
“Yes,” she said, her voice lilting in a way that told me she knew everything about my mother, our family, all of it.
“Right, of course.” I nodded and dragged my hand through my hair. “I raised my brothers and sister. I’ve been Head Bitch in Charge since I was nine. All I have ever done is manage the minute details of their lives. When they were kids, I made sure they were bathed and wearing clean clothes. I sewed buttons and fixed hems because there was no one else to do it. I took care of them when they were sick. I signed their report cards and paid bills. I went to work selling houses when I was eighteen so they could go away to college. I got themthroughit. And now that we’re adults? I’m still getting them through it. I schedule their doctors’ appointments. I file their taxes. I register their cars. I can’t remember a time when my life wasn’t about taking care of them. I meddle in their lives because I have been a lot more than their sister for nearly twenty-four years.”
Tiel didn’t say anything. She sat there, expressionless, while those words coursed through me. I’d never said any of that out loud before. I never wanted anyone to think I resented the responsibilities leveled on me. I didn’t need any acknowledgement, but the orbit was changing.Theywere changing, and somehow, I was exactly where I’d always been. I wanted something different for myself—something more—but I didn’t see how I could get gravity on my side.
I laughed and turned my attention to the bracelets on my wrist. My thumb swept over the anchor charm, the one I picked up during a holiday shopping marathon with Lauren. Anchors were popular right now, just like circles and horseshoes in years past. I knew no one would read anything into it, and it served as my tiny connection to Will. Just like our relationship, it hid in plain sight.
“It began with online dating a few years back. That’s pretty much the worst invention in the world.” I rolled my eyes and shuddered. The commercials were deceitful. One of these days, I was going to start a blog or write a book about the guys youactuallymet through those sites. “But then Matt started dating Lauren, and now she’s my closest friend. I didn’t know how to be friends with girls before her, and Lauren taught me,” I said. “She says nice things about you.”
Tiel gave me a skeptical frown. “I bet she does.”
“I started seeing someone last summer.” I laughed to myself. “‘Seeing’ probably isn’t the right word. It’s more like scheduled sex. Really, really incredible sex.” I looked around, still somewhat concerned about live tweeting. “I can’t believe I just said that out loud.”
“Keep going,” she demanded.
“So, this all has been occurring,” I said, “and I’ve been trying to maintain everything else, but I haven’t been able to. I keep thinking that I should have been there for Sam when your relationship ended.”
“Do you swoop in when all your brothers’ relationships end?”
I lifted a shoulder and sipped my coffee. “My brothers don’t have many relationships. Patrick kept his a secret for months. Matt holds me at a distance. Riley’s still a toddler in my eyes. And Sam…well, Sam changed this year, and I didn’t notice. I wasn’t paying attention, I wasn’t there, and I let him down.”
“But the sex? It was decent?”
I tried—and failed—to suppress a grin. “I haven’t been able to get on a bike for spin class since.” I laughed, but quickly remembered that good sex came with the cost of abandoning my family. “If I’m not taking care of my brothers, I don’t know who I am anymore.”
Tiel finished her coffee and eyed the exit, and though it was a terrible idea, I went back to my original question. “May I ask what happened? With you and Sam?”
She stared at me, and the contempt was replaced with something softer. “I hope he finds what he’s looking for, wherever he is. And…I’m sorry you’re going through this.” She gathered her things and dropped some cash on the table. I was too defeated to argue about picking up the tab. “I know you’re trying to do the right thing. I hope it gets easier.”
I thought this was going to be our moment, the warm realization that we both cared about Sam and only wanted the best, and we were going to work together to get him home. This was not that moment. Sighing, I said, “When he figures it all out and comes back, give him a chance. Please don’t turn him away. He’s so much more sensitive than he likes us to believe.”
Tiel stopped in the doorway and studied me. “Shannon, I know exactly how sensitive he is. You don’t need to tell me that.”
I turned back to the mountains of sugar cookie crumbs in front of me.
So completely broken.
Chapter Seventeen
