There had to be a full moon to blame for this chaos.
“Oh.Oh,” Matt said, frowning at Sam. “So we’re talking about a real girl? An appropriate, adult, professional woman?”
Sam’s glare could have cut class. “She’s a couple months older than me.”
Patrick:He’s either fit as a fiddle or lost his fucking mind, and I have no idea which one it is
Shannon:It’s probably an unfortunate mix of the two, plus some passive aggression and quiet retaliation
Shannon:At least we know she’s a real girl, no hallucination, and we don’t have to inventory Riley’s brownies again
Patrick:For what it’s worth, she seemed nice
Patrick:Polite. Maybe a little quiet.
Shannon:That’s an improvement
Objectively, I knew this had nothing to do with me. There was no way in hell that Sam was dating a woman—he lived for the nameless, faceless hookup; the last time he dated, he was in his first year at Cornell—with the intent of proving to me that he was perfectly fine. It wasn’t about proving that he was so fucking fine, he could handle a relationship when I hadn’t made it past a second date in months.
Sneaky weekends didn’t count, obviously.
“She didn’t look anything like his usual syphilitic crew,” Patrick said to Matt and Riley.
I sat back in my chair, holding up my hand for quiet. “And how long has this been taking place?”
Sam sent me an impatient glance. “A little more than two months.”
“Is that why you’ve been so pleasant recently? I assumed it was some new meds or a colonic or a fucking juice cleanse or something, but this is great news,” Matt said. “Good for you.”
Shannon:You’re telling me you knew nothing about this until Saturday night?
Patrick:Not a word.
Patrick:I’ve been watching him as close as you have, and I’ve been touching base with Riley every day.
Patrick:This came out of nowhere
Patrick:Or he’s getting good at being secretive.
“Oh no, no, no. We don’t do secret affairs in this office. Not after the shit these two”—I pointed to Patrick and Andy—“pulled last spring.”
Sam lifted his shoulder with a quick sneer. “I wouldn’t say there’s been any secret.”
“You’re saying this is a legitimate thing,” I said. “Dating and the whole normal relationship? Seriously?”
“Yeah, Shan. Pretty much.”
“The universe must really fucking hate me ifyou’rein a healthy relationship,” I mumbled. “Just wait, RISD will be next, and I’ll start hoarding cats and learning how to knit because what else is there to do with my time? Soon enough, you’ll all have kids but you won’t let me near them because all I’ll want to do is smell their little heads and make them promise not to let you assholes put Auntie Shannon in a home.”
“We already discussed this,” Andy said. “No one is letting you start a cat colony. Cool it with the end of days talk, or I’m cutting off your caffeine supply.”
“Bring her to Thanksgiving,” Matt said.
Patrick:Everything ok over there?
Shannon:I might be a little growly
Patrick:Yeah. You are.
