A rush of emotion was rising up in my chest, as if giving voice to these realities made them more real and tangible. Will was mine and I was saying that out loud. “I didn’t want to lie to you, but it just—”
“I know that I sound like I’m mad, and I’m not. I love you but I just feel the need to scream at you.” Lauren’s eyes narrowed. “Where is he right now?”
“My apartment,” I said. I tangled my fingers around my long seed-pearl necklace. Every text from Will today was in reference to this necklace, and the thoroughly perverted things he wanted to do while I wore it.
“Mmhmm.” She drained her drink and set it on the bar. “Mmhmm. Of course he is.”
“It’s not…” My voice trailed off, and I didn’t know what I was trying to deny. It wasn’t more than scheduled sex? It wasn’t going to happen again? It wasn’t getting serious? None of that was true, and now that I’d drawn back the curtains on the history of Shannon and Will, I couldn’t stomach another mistruth. I was going to stand there, twisting in my discomfort, and surrender to the reality that Will was mine.
Mine. Not for anyone else, not anymore, not ever again.
Lauren sighed, and I knew she wasn’t mad. She was disappointed, and I was well-acquainted with that reaction. It was how I felt when Sam proposed to Tiel. I knew it made me an asshole for withholding some of my happiness for him because he didn’t include me in his plans to get engaged, but we’d been through so much together. I was pissed that his life was changing in a way that excluded me, but I did the same thing to Lauren. I’dearnedher disappointment.
“The first time it happened we decided you didn’t need to know about it,” I said, laughing. “The last thing you needed to hear on your wedding day was that your brother broke my vag…and the bed.”
“You two must think I’m about as sharp as a spoon.” My forehead wrinkled in confusion, and she continued, “He asked me a minimum of nine hundred questions about you while I was getting my hair done before the ceremony. And have you seen my photos? I had the photographer crop you two out of some of the images because it looked like you were molesting each other.”
“Oh…”
“And let’s not forget about that time when you two were at my house for dinner,” she said, pointing her glass at me. “It was like a game of strip poker.”
“He broke into my apartment that night,” I said.
“Of course he did,” she replied. “That’s the kind of shit he does. He knows everything, he’s bossy, and likes getting his way. I cannot imagine what the two of you see in each other.” She ran her hand through her hair, sighing. “It’s nice that he has some time off, even if he isn’t sharing that news with anyone.”
“I’ve been telling him to call you,” I said, shaking my head. “We’ve been trying to sort some things out, and…he’s a little stubborn.”
“There’s something to be said about pots and kettles, and birds of a feather, and taking one to know one,” she murmured. “In other news: you two are going somewhere?”
I nodded. “One of his friends is getting married. In San Diego.”
“Good,” she said, and I looked up to find her smiling at me. “Good. I like this.”
“That’s great, but please don’t announce it,” I insisted.
“Shannon, this isn’t my relationship to announce, and I’m a little insulted that you think I’d issue a press release or dump a long, babbling post on Facebook about my brother and my best friend. But please explain this to me: why is it a secret?”
I held out my hands to her, trying to conjure all the stress and drama of the past eighteen months into the space between my fingers. “We just wanted to disappear for a weekend, and then it turned into…I don’t even know what it is.”
“This is a ridiculous question but here goes: have you talked to him about this?”
“It sounds logical coming out of your mouth,” I said, “but in practice, it’s rather to difficult to have those conversations.”
“Don’t I know it,” she murmured. “Can I just say that I’m happy for you? I remember last November, when you came back from New Mexico. You saw him there, right?”
Nodding, I kept my eyes cast down, not wanting to see the joyful warmth in her expression. Any day now, he’d head out for another deployment. Things would return to the way they were before I knew what it was like to have him with me every day, every night. It wasn’t something I was looking forward to.
“You were glowing when you came back, but then I didn’t see that glow for a long time. Not until last weekend, when you came this close to slapping the shit out of Tiel.”
“Please don’t do this,” I said. “Don’t get invested.”
“Did you know Andy almost bailed on my wedding?” Lauren asked, a petulant scowl on her lips.
“Wait—what are you talking about?”
“You remember. She and Patrick were going through their thing, and they were pretty much separated. So, of course, she thought I’d take Patrick’s side because I was marrying his brother.” She gestured toward me. “What I’m saying is: you’ll always be my friend and my sister-in-law. I’m going to be happy for you and I’m going to get invested, but I can keep it to myself if that makes you feel better. I’ll just be over here, quietly cheering for you.”
Those words loosened the knot in my throat, and some stray tears spilled over. “You’re a bitch for making me cry in a bar,” I said.
