I pause to catch my breath, just in time to stop myself from blurting out how my father still controls my life from his grave.
“I was never embarrassed by you, Mark. Not once. I didn’t care that your family didn’t have money or whatever. My father …” I sigh, trying to find the right words to explain all of this. “You met my mother tonight. She’s been weak for him my whole life. He used to hit her and me when he didn’t get his way. Not often, but when he felt like he was losing control. He would’ve done his best to destroy your family.”
“He couldn’t have.”
I nod. “He could, Mark. He was a state justice. Some people had him on the shortlist for the next Supreme Court nominee. You think prospects like that don’t come with all manners of power? He had the ear of local, state, and federal politicians. One word from him, and you could’ve easily found yourself in a world of trouble. I couldn’t … no, Iwouldn’tlet that happen to you. I already caused you enough pain.”
His eyebrows narrow. “What do you mean by that?”
I press my hand to my chest as my stomach quivers. “You don’t remember, do you?”
He moves closer, stopping just in front of me. “What, J? Just say it.”
“It’s my fault you’re in that chair.” My voice chokes, but I’m able to get the words free from my throat. It’s the first time I’ve said them out loud in sixteen years.
“What?”
I shake my head, not wanting to explain, fearing that he really will hate me once he knows the full truth.
“I’m the reason you can’t walk.”
He shakes his head. “A drunken fall off a second-story banister is the reason I’m paralyzed.”
Pushing out a breath, I squeeze my eyes closed. “That’s what happened. You remember that part?”
“It’s what they told me in the hospital. My memory from that night has always been fuzzy. I remember fighting in one of my usual fights that night and winning. And I remember you being there.”
I nod. Mark was in a local underground fight group in high school. I’d accompanied him to a lot of those fights during our sophomore and junior years.
“And we went to that party on Sheffield Road to celebrate your win.”
He nods. “I had a few too many, got stupid drunk, and leaned too heavily on a wooden banister in that abandoned house. Lights out.”
“Yeah, but you could’ve walked after that. I remember seeing your legs move after your initial fall. I ran down the stairs to help you as everyone else heard cops and the ambulance coming and ran out of the house. I knew better.”
“How does any of that make this your fault?” He holds his arms out wide.
“Because I wanted to help. I was so scared, seeing you lying there, groaning in pain. There was blood, and I just wanted to help. My CPR training kicked in, and I turned you over, moving you around, forgetting one of the first rules. I forgot you’re not supposed to move someone’s who’s been injured like that.
“Later, I overheard one of your doctors say to another that your spinal injury was exacerbated by what I did. No one ever told me directly, but I knew it was my fault that you could no longer walk. I’m so sorry.”
I cover my hands with my face, finally letting go of the tears I’d been holding onto. I hated myself still for what I’d done. Yes, it was an accident, but a horrible accident and something that could never be undone.
“I’ll go now.”
I roll myself closer,getting in Jackie’s way, preventing her from leaving. “Go where? You can’t just lay some heavy shit like that on me and walk away,” I say, pulling her arms away from her face.
She drops them at the same time I pull her onto my lap.
“What are you doing?” she croaks out.
“Hell if I know. I hate to see you cry, though.” I bring her face in between my hands and kiss her forehead before lowering to her lips.
She pulls back and swallows. “Didn’t you hear what I just said? It’s my fault you’re in this chair.”
Shaking my head, I demand, “Stop saying that shit. Have you been living with this for the past sixteen years?”
She nods at the same time I roll us into my bathroom. Frowning, I reach down into the cabinet next to the sink and remove a fresh washcloth. I don’t say much as I wet it and then use it to wash her face.
