A smile touched my lips as Grace’s hand fell to mine, lifting my hand with the air cast on it.
“It’s healing better than expected.”
She turned to her side, facing me, and pulled my hand to her lips, kissing it. Her eyelids dropped. I knew she had a ton of questions swirling around in her head, but she didn’t know where to begin.
“I’m still going to be a client of Dr. Kearns’,” I began, to make it easier on her.
“That’s a good thing, right?”
I nodded. “I guess. He’s a pain in the ass with all his questions, but … he knows what he’s doing.”
She grinned. “I was scared you’d hate me for calling him.”
I frowned. “Hating you couldn’t even cross my mind. I hated myself. Loathed the fact that I lost control and scared you.”
“You didn’t scare me, Jacob. I was never scared of you—”
“I know. You were scared for me. Which I still hated.”
“But you needed help.” Her warm hand stroked down the side of my face, soothing me.
I nodded. “I see that now.” I pushed out a heavy breath, still debating whether or not it was necessary for me to share what I wanted to say next. I’d bickered with myself the entire way over here. I needed to see Grace, to be with her like this, but I also needed to tell her something. And I had no idea how it would change the way she saw me.
“There are two people in this world I hate …”
She stared at me intently, waiting for what I was going to say.
“The woman who raised me. My mother. Second to her is my father, but she’s number one. The fights and physical abuse were bad enough, but it was the other stuff that fundamentally changed me.”
Grace inched closer, her hand moving to my shoulder, stroking it, making it easier for me to talk.
“What other stuff?”
I blinked my eyes closed for a few breaths before opening them. “The first time I was thirteen years old. I was in bed, sleeping, but the door opening startled me awake. I was always a light sleeper. She called my name before closing the door behind her. She asked if I was awake. I’d never heard her sound like that. She sounded, I don’t know, soothing or something. She moved closer to my bed and climbed in. That was the first time she’d ever done that. Even as a young kid she never curled into bed with me for bedtime to read or anything like that. I was immediately suspicious and frightened. But when her hand slipped underneath the blanket and into my pajama bottoms I froze.
“I didn’t know or understand what was happening. At first, she just rubbed my stomach and thighs. But then she commented on how much bigger I’d grown since she bathed me as a little boy. Then she went on to complain about how my father was never around, and that a woman had needs. That was when she began stroking me. It wasn’t right. I knew that even then. This wasn’t something that should be happening between a mother and son. But my body responded. My mother was the first woman I ever got an erection from.”
I nearly choked on that last sentence. It still wasn’t easy to say out loud. Dr. Kearns told me that it wouldn’t be, probably ever, but holding it in would be even worse. Lying or avoiding it as I’d done for years wouldn’t serve me.
“It’s why I don’t sleep with blankets or sheets. She would always use them to cover us. Always.”
“A-And why you don’t like being touched.”
I nodded. “She always used her hands. She derived a sick satisfaction from making me come with her hand.”
I went silent for a few minutes, letting what I just revealed penetrate the air around us. I couldn’t look at Grace because I didn’t want to see anything but the love she had for me there. I still wasn’t sure if what I’d told her would change that.
“There it is,” I finally said. “My biggest shame.”
Grace’s stroking of my cheek halted and she grabbed my face between both of her hands.
“Jacob, I love you, but if you ever say anything like that again, I’ll murder you myself. That isnotyour shame. There is only one person who should be ashamed in this, and that person isn’t you. Do you hear me?” And for good measure, she shook my face. “No mother, nohumanshould ever do that to a child!”
“I get it,” I stated, taking her hand into mine and kissing the inside of her palm.
There was a long silence and I flipped over on my back, placing my casted hand underneath my head. Grace paused to look down on me, her eyes asking a question her mouth wouldn’t voice. I extended my free arm and she eased into my side, laying her head on my chest.
“Dr. Kearns gave me a journal.” I snorted, still feeling awkward about having the damn thing.
