I give the door one last glance before turning to head to my bedroom to pack a bag of my own.
“Hey,” Angela’s voice answers on the other end of the phone.
“Hey, can I still crash at your place tonight?”
“Janine, are you sure you want to stay at the top of the bar again? I mean, I’m sure your place would be more comfortable, and you and Em—”
“If it’s not available I can stay at a hotel.”
She sighs into the phone, obviously understanding that I’m not about to get into a back and forth discussion with her over this.
“Of course it is. I’ll bring you the key to the back entrance once you arrive.”
“Thanks.”
After hanging up the phone, I pack a few of my things for the weekend. It’s Friday and I’ve been staying off an on at Angela’s barin the apartment upstairs. I wanted to avoid Emanuel. I knew he’d stopped by my place more than once but I couldn’t look at him just yet. The night before, I stayed at my own apartment since he worked an overnight shift. Luckily for me, I just so happened to have picked up my mother’s phone on the way to work, otherwise I wouldn’t have known the level of her deceit.
Now, since I know Emanuel is off this weekend, I need more time on my own to sort things out in my head about our relationship.
****
“Janine, are you sure about this?” Angela asks yet again.
We’re sitting on the bed in the tiny apartment above her bar. The apartment is small but it’s cute. She’s decorated the bedroom in white and sky blue, with images of the beach in seashell frames that hang on the walls, giving the room a seaside feel.
“It’s just one more night,” I respond. Today is Saturday and I plan on going back home Sunday evening. “You think I’m being childish, don’t you?”
“Yes,” she says bluntly.
I sigh. “I’m not. You said it yourself how many times since I broke up with Matthew? That I lost myself to that relationship. I craved stability, marriage, a family of my own so much that I couldn’t see the forest for the trees. He was never the one for me.”
“And Emanuel? Is he not the one?”
Yes!my heart screams in response to her question, but I’d forgotten how to trust myself. Or maybe I never knew in the first place.
“I don’t know.”
“Yes, you do. You’re just scared.”
“Right. But you say that as if it’s no big deal. Like I don’t have a reason to be scared.”
“You don’t.”
“I do!” I insist as I stand from the bed, pacing back and forth. “I told you about his family. How do I know whatever they’re involved in won’t affect our lives? How do I know that Emanuel and I won’t settle down and start a family and then one day he drops a bomb on me and says he’s going to work in the family business? What if he just ups and wants to move to Italy, of all places, to become closer with his family?”
“Or what if he remains a firefighter and runs into a building only to almost be crushed to death by a falling ceiling? Or what if you hear on the news that a firefighter had to scale a damn twenty something story building to save someone’s life and you rush to find out if it was your guy up there? Or what if one day you’re celebrating your thirty year anniversary with your husband and your plane crashes?”
I stop and stare at Angela who is now standing toe-to-toe with me. I avert my gaze because guilt begins to settle around me. I know everything she’s just mentioned are things she’s experienced in her life.
“And what if …” she takes my hands into hers and places them against her belly, “one day you find out that you and the man you love are going to be parents? I promise that makes up for all of the bad stuff. All of the what ifs.”
A small smile crests on my face as we both blink the tears away. “Really?”
Giggling, she nods.
“I knew it!” I yell, throwing my arms around her. “Congratulations! How long have you known?”
“Almost eight weeks.”
