I jumped up from my chair and went to him, grabbing both of his arms at the wrists.
“Please, just calm down. Look at me.” I waited until he finally lowered his gaze to mine. The anger and hatred in them shook me to the core. I squeezed his arms. “Look at me. I’m fine. I-it was a long time ago, and yes, it was ugly, but I’mfine.”
“You’renotfine. That bitch-ass nigga is still part of your past. And you saw him again just a few months ago. Why?!”
He attempted to take a step back from me, but I held onto his arms. I knew he was strong enough to break my grip, but he let me hold on to him.
I licked my lips, trying to find the right words to explain why I’d felt compelled to meet up with Ethan.
“When I finally decided to leave Ethan, it wasn’t some big discussion or breakup. I honestly was scared of what he’d do so, one day I just packed a duffle bag with some clothes and stuff I needed and left while he was at work. I took a credit card I’d just opened that Ethan didn’t know about to pay for my flight to L.A. There I met up with Gabby. I just left, and a part of me felt guilty for that.”
“Guilty?”
I knew it sounded crazy. Xavier’s face told me how crazy that sounded, but it was the truth.
“Yes, I left with no word or warning, and I knew I’d embarrassed him in front of his family, especially his father. We were supposed to be married in three months. Crazy as it sounds, a part of me felt like I owed him that meeting.”
“Chanel, that makes absolutely no fucking sense,” he seethed. He finally broke the grip I had on his wrists and stepped back, folding his arms over his chest.
“I know it doesn’t. I just...it’s how I felt. I debated for weeks on whether to meet Ethan, but then I thought it might be good for closure too. I mean, this thing with you took me by total surprise and it brought up memories from my past. I wanted to close that door.”
“And what the fuck did he want?”
“To apologize.”
I almost stepped back at the look of sheer incredulity Xavier threw my way. “Toapologize? You can’t be serious.”
“I am, and he did.”
“And you believed him?” The high pitch in his voice told me he believed I fell for another one of Ethan’s lies.
“Look, I know given what I just told you, it makes absolutely no sense, but I did. I looked Ethan in his eyes, and he was just...different. I don’t know what he’s been doing the last five years, but he’s changed.” God, I hated the way it sounded like I was defending Ethan. That wasn’t my intent at all, but the truth was, I’d believed him when he apologized, and I still did.
Xavier shook his head. His jaw worked as he tried to discern what to say next.
“He was lying. People don’t fucking change.”
I didn’t have a retort to that. I wasn’t going to convince Xavier of what I believed, and I wasn’t in the mood to even try. I just wanted to get past this conversation.
“Is that everything?”
Just when I thought we were done. That question caused a wave of fear to roll through my stomach. I looked down at the floor. It was at that moment I realized the music still playing, and as if a sign, Beyonce’sSandcastlesplayed. The part where she mentioned showing your scars and she wouldn’t walk away was my current dilemma. I looked up at Xavier and his eyes, still filled with anger, were also begging me to confide in him. So, I decided, and shared with him a secret I’d never told anyone.
“No, that’s not everything. A couple of weeks after I moved to L.A., I started feeling tired and rundown. I thought it was just the stress of the move, but after getting into a fender bender because I’d become extremely dizzy while driving, I was taken to the hospital and found out I was pregnant.”
I paused when I saw Xavier’s eyes widen, but I needed to say the last part, so I continued.
“I was about eight weeks along. I-I was in no place to have a baby, especially with Ethan, so I had an abortion.” I leaned back against the half-wall that separated the kitchen from the dining area. I hadn’t even told Gabby about the pregnancy. I didn’t want to think about it. Also, I didn’t want her or anyone to try to talk me out of it. I spoke with a doctor on the OB staff at the hospital, and they did an exam and then talked me through the process of a medical abortion along with possible side effects. A few hours later, I’d swallowed a pill and then went home to take the second pill twenty-four hours later.
Thankfully, Gabby was out of town that week. I was still living with her at the time. The following night I experienced a lot of cramping and bleeding as the pills did their job. Two days later I went back to the doctor to make sure the pills worked and everything was fine. I’d stuffed that memory along with everything else associated with my relationship with Ethan down and did my best to forget it all.
“He never knew?”
I shook my head but still didn’t look up. “I never spoke to him again. He called over and over, even reaching out to my father and Jason, looking for me. But at that time, I hadn’t even told them I’d moved to L.A. I just said I was staying with a friend. My father thought I was succumbing to the pressure of finishing law school and studying for the bar. One time when I called home, he told me that’s the reason he didn’t want me to go to law school in the first place. That I couldn’t handle it. He said I owed it to Ethan to go back, but I just made up some excuse and got off the phone.”
It had taken me months to speak to my father after that conversation. By the time I did, I had gotten a job at an L.A. firm, changed my number and email address, and cut all ties with Ethan.
“You went through all that alone?”
