I hesitated, looking at the television screen and around my bedroom that’d seen better days. I hadn’t been up for cleaning much that week. I’d been avoiding Xavier’s calls up until two days ago when they stopped. Even that scared the hell out of me. Maybe he was finally giving up on me, which had been my fear all along. That was what this was all about.
“I’m scared,” I admitted, just above a whisper.
“We’ve established that. Now tell mewhatyou’re afraid of,” Gabby retorted, sounding like a damn therapist.
Again, I hesitated, feeling embarrassed.
“What if I do fall completely for him, and he loses interest in me?” I questioned.
“Well, the first part of your question has already happened.”
I sighed, shaking my head, not wanting to confirm the truth of her statement.
“And the second part?”
“Why would he just lose interest in you, Chanel?”
Because that’s how it was with the men in my life.
“Gabby, no man has ever remained interested in mefor every long. Hell, my first serious boyfriend cheated on me with my then-best friend, and they’ve been married for nearly a decade now. My next boyfriend-turned-fiancé started out being all about me, acting like my best friend, and then when he knew he had me, he became more interested in controlling me thanbeing withme.” I bit my trembling lip. I’d been working on healing from my past relationships, especially after seeing Ethan and Lamont recently. I still hadn’t told anyone about my meeting with Ethan, not even Gabby.
“But that’s not it, right?” Gabby prodded.
“No, that’s not it. I probably would’ve gotten over those sooner, but they weren’t the first, Gab.” I paused when my voice broke. “My father. He wasn’t controlling or pretending to love me and then manipulate me, like Ethan. He acted like I wasn’t there. Like I didn’t exist.” I wiped away the tear that managed to escape. “I spent days wishing he’d come home early to make it to one of my recitals, or call my mother and tell her to have me picked up from school to spend the day with him, the same way he did Jason.”
God, I hated the way that shit still made me feel. I didn’t want to be the envious little sister who resented the relationship her brother had with their father. Nor did I want my father’s dismissal of my very existence to still have such a hold over me, but no matter how much I didn’t want that to be my reality, it was. And it’s also why I felt that a man like Xavier Grant could never want anything to do with me long-term.
I sobbed to Gabby over the phone, still trying to fight these emotions that made me feel so weak but they refused to stop.
“Well, this feels familiar,” I said in between sobs.
Gabby gave a lighthearted chuckle. “Yeah, for some reason your ass ends up crying on my damn phone.”
We laughed, and I wiped away the last few tears, feeling lighter. Releasing heavy emotions that’d been bottled up for so long had a way of doing that, as if a weight you didn’t even know you’d been carrying was lifted.
“I’ve never felt safe in love, you know?” I said after a while.
“Maybe Xavier is it. Maybe he can be your safe space, but you won’t know it if you keep running.”
“And if he’s not?” I retorted.
“Then you still got me.”
“You’re the best. You know that, right?”
“I know,” she giggled. “You gonna be all right?”
“Yeah,” I nodded.
“All right, later.”
I sat, wiping the few tears that continued to fall for another minute before grabbing my laptop from the other end of my bed. I quickly brought up the Edible Arrangements website to have a bouquet delivered to Gabby at work. I really couldn’t ask for a better best friend, and she deserved to know it.
After that was done, I threw out my tissues and now melted ice cream. I went back to my bedroom to retrieve my phone, wondering if I should call Xavier or just show up on his doorstep like Gabby suggested. It was a Saturday night, so there was a chance he could be out at one of his restaurants or worse, on a date of some sort. I shuddered at that thought and forced it out of my mind. If he were out with someone else, it would be my damn fault, and I’d have to deal with that, but I’d made up my mind that I was going to see him. I’d take a quick shower before changing out of my pajamas and into something enticing. Not the lingerie Gabby suggested, but something I knew would…
“Bzzzz.”
My phone vibrated from the bed, interrupting my thoughts. Crinkling my brow, I picked it up, and my heart rate increased at the name that popped up on the screen.
