Unfortunately, his opinion of what he’d just seen was based on the lies I’d been shoveling for years.
The Dalls started banging on their preferred feed station again, but Woody ignored them. “You haven’t brought one guy over this whole time you’ve been living here, and the first time you do, it’s Kess. Make it make sense.”
There was a frustrated sort of sadness to his words, and I didn’t have it in me to goad him while layering on more bullshit like I might’ve in the past. Instead, I held up my hands in surrender.
“I hafta refill that feeder before these guys riot, but there’s a conversation that you and I need to have. If you want, we can ride out like old times and check the rest of the feeders.”
Woody grunted—a good sign—then wordlessly cleaned and refilled the water troughs while I fed the Dalls and took care of the horses and injured animals in the barn. We’d normally refill the feeders on Woody’s Mule, but this conversation required something quieter. Something closer to nature.
And talking on horseback was how we’d always handled the hard conversations.
After taking care of the animals by the cabin, Woody and I added our detachable saddle bags full of feed to the horses’ tack, then headed out.
It had been a while since we’d ridden together, and despite Woody’s initial annoyance, we settled into the tradition we started when he bought this place. Riding out to the hilly fields lowered the temperature between us, and by the time we got to the first feeder, Woody looked like he was ready to listen.
He’d never been one to push for words that hadn’t yet come to me, and that was a good thing because I was still scrambling after twenty minutes on horseback.
We hopped down and Woody unhooked the rope from the tree, then lowered the hanging feeder so that I could check it. It was about three-quarters of the way full, but I unclipped the saddlebag and topped off the feeder anyway because I needed the extra time.
Woody raised the feeder and set the rope while I returned to Huck and clipped the bag back in place. I grabbed the pommel, then touched my forehead to the saddle as emotions flooded my chest.
“Cousin, what’s going on?” Woody asked, stepping in next to me.
I glanced over at him and gone was the judgmental glare from before, now replaced with a look of concern. I’d only just spent the night with Kess, so everything felt like it was happening all at once. In reality, though, this conversation was long overdue.
“I haven’t always been honest about who I really am,” I finally said, barely able to speak.
“Are you not my cousin?” Woody asked, perfectly mirroring my pose.
“Oh, we’re definitely related.” I bit at my upper lip, shaking my head. “I’m just not the lovable slut everyone thinks I am.”
There was only silence from Woody, so I snuck another peek in his direction. His eyebrows were bunched together, his face serious.
“I never thought you were.” He lifted a shoulder. “I was pretty sure all the sleeping around was a coping mechanism.”
“Really?”
He tapped his chest. “You’re just as soft as me underneath all the bullshit.” His smile was warm and a little sad. “A family trait, I’m afraid to say. I just wish you didn’t keep throwing yourself at people who can’t take care of your heart.”
“I wasn’t ignoring my heart, Woody.” I took a deep breath, knowing this next part would change things. “I don’t sleep around. Never have, actually.”
He stilled, confusion marring his expression. “But...”
I needed to explain myself, so I went in with a topic he and I’d discussed a few times before.
“You know how my parents really, really hate the fact that I’m gay, right?”
“Of course.”
“When they kicked me out, I had to find friends fast. And the first thing you hear about the gay community is that sleeping around is sort of part of the culture.”
“Not for everybody,” Woody said, gesturing to himself. “That can be a really harmful stereotype?—”
I held up my hand. “I know. I know exactly how harmful it can be. But I’d just lost everyone except you, and I learned pretty quickly that sometimes you need to lie to fit in. Even though, in retrospect, I could have trusted my friends with the truth, fitting in was survival at that point.”
“So...you started, what? Acting like you were sleeping around even though you weren’t?”
“Yeah.” I rubbed the back of my head. “I got a lot of admiration for it. Judgment, too, but mostly admiration.”
