Holden kissed the top of my head and pulled me into a full hug, rocking me as I wept quietly into his shoulder.
“I just miss Pops so much sometimes, you know?”
“Yep,” he said, his voice just as wobbly as mine. “But I keep trying to remember how lucky I was to have him in my life, and how he’d want us to find a way to be happy. Nothing made him smile more than making us laugh. In my mind, that means we should remember him with joy, not tears.”
“So you’re saying happiness shouldn’t make me feel guilty?”
Holden shifted to search my expression. After a moment, he said, “I’m saying that Pops would’ve preened like a peacock to know that we loved him this much, but he’d be even happier knowing that he’d loved us well enough that we could be happy without him.”
“You’re so fucking smart,” I said on a wounded smile. “Thank you for reminding me.”
“Love you, Dad.” He gave me an extra squeeze, then released me. “Now, let’s go join Ru before he eats all the marshmallows.”
CHAPTER 19
major
Seeing Ren at the housewarming this past weekend had been a gut punch. Whereas Hendrix had gained some weight and some color in his face, Ren had looked tired and underfed. I’d wanted to reach out, to hug him, to ask what he needed, but I didn’t dare chance his rejection.
Instead, I’d given him a wide berth and tried to focus on other people at the party. Watching Hendrix give his mother the art piece he’d made for her years ago brought all of us to tears—and that was before Sawyer capped the evening with a proposal. Hen knocked Sawyer to the ground with his enthusiastic yes, and Ru’s delighted laughter was forever etched in my head.
As I’d driven home, I’d wished I could’ve told Ren how well things were going for me—professionally, at least. My company was growing along with the town, and we had bathroom renovation projects booked six months out. On top of that, the plumbing repair work was steady, especially now that Leo was working full-time. He was a few hundred hours shy of taking his Tradesman Plumber–Limited exam, and I could not have been more proud of him.
After everything had gone down with Ren, I’d told myself that I couldn’t get serious about a relationship until my business was doing well. Now that it was, the loneliness was acute. I found myself wanting to talk to Ren about that, too.
He was still on my mind days later as I found myself wandering through the produce section of the grocery store, trying to find something I’d remember to eat rather than fishing it (limp and inedible) out of the crisper two weeks later.
When he appeared before me in front of a massive stack of avocados, I wondered if I was imagining things. “Ren?” I asked.
ItwasRen, and he turned to me, an avocado in his hand. His eyes were red, and he looked like he was about to fall over. I left my cart and approached him.
“I thought I could do it,” he said. “I thought I could start shopping in the store again, but… I think I fucked up.”
That reminded me that Mr. Paige had collapsed in this H-E-B the night he died. I seemed to recall that it had happened in the produce section.
I put the avocado back on the display and led Ren outside, convinced that local grocery retailers were going to put me on some list of people who abandoned their baskets.
When we reached the parking lot, he turned to me. “Do you mind taking me home?”
“Not at all. Do you want me to call Holden?”
“No.”
I escorted him to my truck and opened the door for him, then helped him climb into the seat. We got on the road, and he shook his head. “I’m so sorry, Major.”
“You don’t have anything to be sorry about. I don’t mind driving you home. If you’d like, I’ll grab one of the guys and we’ll bring your car back tonight.”
“No. I mean I’m sorry for what happened. I’m sorry that I pushed you away.”
I went quiet, letting the road noise fill the cab as I considered his words.
“You didn’t do anything wrong,” I said after a long moment. “I caught feelings, and you didn’t feel the same way. Nobody to blame.”
“Robert’s urn has a completely different take on that.”
I chuckled. “That urn still mocking you?”
“Daily.”
