“Different good, or different bad?”
“In Hen’s case? Very, very good. Dangerously good. Stupidly, disastrously, perfectly good.”
Sawyer looked about as miserable as I felt.
“You ever gonna tell him how you really feel?” I asked, dredging my fork through the rapidly cooling gravy.
“No,” he said, examining a fry. “I think I’ll take that to my grave.”
“Seems healthy.”
“Why are we friends again?” he asked, then started in on the second half of his burger.
I laughed and rubbed my hands over my face. “It makes me wish you and I were compatible. Though I suppose I like you too much as a friend now.”
He shook his head as he chewed and swallowed yet another enormous bite. “Even if you were willing, I’m more hopelessthan ever. If spending all this time with Hendrix has shown me anything, it’s that I’m more in love with him now than I was back in high school.”
I nodded, completely understanding. “I’d only ever thought of Ren as Mr. Paige’s husband, but now I know for sure that he’s so much more than that. He’s funny, he curses more than you’d think, and I haven’t seen him in a classroom yet, but I suspect he’s really good at his job.” I took a sip of my hot chocolate. “He loves Holden and Beckett so much, and he’s so excited about being a grandfather.”
“Do you think that’s why he wants to keep it casual? Does he think you wouldn’t enjoy being with somebody who’s a grandfather?”
I half nodded, stealing one of Sawyer’s fries. “The last time we were together, I asked him what he’d think if I was insecure about my body. If I didn’t want to be a bear.”
“What’d he say?”
“He wasn’t having any of that. So I turned it around on him and told him that’s how it makes me feel when he talks shit about the fact that he’s older. It’s not like I’m just willing to overlook it. His age makes me like himmore. Not in a creepy way. More in an… I-like-silver-hair-and-sexual-experience way.”
Sawyer chuckled, tossing another fry in my direction. “Don’t hate me for asking this, but you’ve spent a lot of time talking about what he does, and what I really want to know is… how does he make you feel?” Before I could open my mouth to respond, he waggled his finger at me. “And I’m not talking about sexually. It’s obvious that you’re hot for him, but I want to knowwhat comes up in here when you think about him outside of sex,” he said, tapping his heart.
I groaned. “He’s so fucking hot, though.”
Sawyer’s serious expression didn’t waver.
I curled my lip, knowing he wouldn’t let me get away with a glib answer. “Fine. The thing about Ren is that he doesn’t want people to see how Mr. Paige’s death crushed him. He hides that from everyone but me, and it makes me feel ten foot tall and bulletproof that he lets me take care of him. That maybe I’m the only one who can take care of him. The only one he lets see beyond the facade. And I…”
Sawyer remained silent but attentive as I gathered my words.
“I can’t stop thinking about him, and I miss him all the fucking time. I guess I just…” I let out a huff of air as I rubbed my chest. “I didn’t realize I would actually feel him in my heart, you know?”
I felt silly saying it like that, but Sawyer nodded along, looking off into the distance as if he knew exactly how I felt. The fact that we were both a mess gave me the courage to be real with him.
“I don’t have much history to go on, but I’m pretty sure I’m falling in love with him.”
Sawyer shifted his gaze to meet mine, then he reached across the table to squeeze my hand.
“Happy?” I asked, leaving my hand in his grip as I tried not to lose it in the middle of Jim’s.
“I am,” he said kindly. “It’s nice to hear affection in your voice, Major. I never thought your roster situation was bad, but thisisn’t the same. I like knowing that you’re capable of falling in love.”
“It’s…” I pulled my hand from his grip and rubbed my chest again. “Is it weird to say that I understand how Mr. Paige fell in love with Ren? Like, how could he not have? Aside from the fact that Ren is gorgeous, he’s so funny and supportive. Kind.” I sighed. “Perfect.”
“You don’t have to convince me that he’s lovable. Ren Paige is an amazing human being.” Despite his words, there was a sadness in his eyes that perfectly reflected the ache in my chest.
“And you don’t have to convince me that you and Hendrix make sense together. I’ve watched you have this one-sided affair with him since high school, and for most of that time, I thought you were tilting at windmills. But seeing what you look like now that you’ve had a chance to taste him? I think maybe you need to let yourself be in love with the man he is now.”
“Can you even imagine Hendrix ever returning my love?” he asked, and the fragile hopefulness of the question made me consider my answer very carefully.
“How many times have y’all slept together since last week?”
