“Yeah,” I said with emphasis. “When you scream your lyrics, it’s like you’re flinging them at your fans, daring them to believe what you’re saying. But when you take it out of the stratosphere, all the way down to the ground like this, you’reinvitingthem to listen. You’re not hiding behind the vocal gymnastics. It rides that edge of being too personal.”
“So it’s too personal?”
“No, not at all. It rides the edge, though. It’s vulnerable, but not in a hokey way. You’re not pushing people to feel something; they’ll feel it because they resonate with it.”
“Why do you think they’d resonate with it?”
“Because it’s the equivalent of you taking off your mask.”
“Sort of like you wearing casual clothes instead of hiding behind your suits,” he responded softly, jackass grin firmly in place.
God, I love your smile.
I gulped down the rest of my beer. “It’s easier to keep my wits about me when I wear a suit.”
I had to be careful with my drinking because I wasn’t sure I’d meant to say that.
Hendrix opened another beer and handed it to me. “Why do you need to keep your wits about you? Hell, why did it take weeks before you’d wear something casual around me?”
I tipped the beer back, drinking fast. So much for being careful. “You were the reason I needed the suits.”
CHAPTER 17
hendrix
I watched Sawyer wipe at a drop of beer that was dribbling down his chin. “Why?” I asked, my heart thumping faster.
Were Ozzie and my mother right?
He took another drink. “Because I was terrified, Hen. When you first got to town, you looked like you were dying. I had to keep my head in the game.”
Guilt sank into my guts as he kept talking, his tongue loosened by the beer.
“I had to get you the help you needed, I had to bring in your parents, I had to answer a million follow-up questions from the other Lost Boys. It felt like I was carrying everyone’s fears on my back, and I couldn’t fathom doing that in jeans and a T-shirt.”
I, like most of the Lost Boys, had always viewed Sawyer as this stoic man with little access to his emotions. The more I got to know him, though, the more I realized that wasn’t the truth.
Take his family. After his parents’ thinking evolved, his first inclination was to move back to be close to them. As a well-to-do gay man, he’d have a much easier life in San Antonio. It wasn’teven that far away. He could still reconnect with his family from his luxury high-rise condo. He didn’t need to live in Seguin.
Neither did I, for that matter, but this place was starting to make sense.
“I’m sorry for scaring you,” I said quietly. “I never wanted to die, I just… forgot why I was alive for a little bit there.”
A tear tracked down my cheek, and Sawyer looked like he’d burn down the world if it meant sparing me sadness. “Do you remember now?” he asked, his usually smooth voice rough.
“I’m trying to.”
“What’s holding you back?”
Instead of answering right away, I stood up and stretched, then walked to the deck railing. Leaning against the rough wood, I looked out over the water, which was barely illuminated by the moon. I didn’t know if I could make him understand.
After a few moments, I decided to try.
“I think I need to rebuild the story of who I am. Try to become somebody who’s worth a damn to the people who care.”
“If you weren’t worth a damn, the rest of us wouldn’t care so much, Hendrix. You know, I’m not just fielding questions from the people who live here. Robbie and Sago are worried you’re pissed about their relationship. They’re worried you might never want to play with them again. They’re worried about the contract and the shows that will need to be rescheduled. But mostly they’re worried aboutyou.”
More people whose lives I’d fucked up.
