“Have I? I’ve seen how uncomfortable you are around Walker. Something tells me that you know all about holding on to something for years.”
Well…shit.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” I said, kicking a rock off the path.
Besides, Agnes—Sawyer—has been quite useful in helping me to move past that.
“I went back and listened to your first album, Hendrix,” he said, nudging me with his shoulder.
“Why would you do that to yourself?”
“All of those songs. They’re about Walker, aren’t they?”
I grimaced. I didn’t want to lie to my cousin, but I didn’t want to answer honestly, either.
“The way you ran in, the way I couldn’t stay, I’ll be here for you, my love, even if you never look my way,” he sang, rather pointedly.
“That could mean anything,” I said. “I was eighteen when I wrote that.”
“Are you still in love with him?”
“No,” I said, far more easily than I’d ever thought I’d be able to. I turned to look Ozzie in the eye. “I don’t know if I was ever truly in love with him. If I really think about it, I was probably in love with the idea of him. It was convenient that he was straight because I’d decided I didn’t deserve to be loved.”
We arrived at an overlook, one that showed off the gorgeous Texas landscape—Canyon Lake, the rolling Central Texas Hill Country, the bright blue Texas sky.
“Why didn’t you say anything when I asked you?” Ozzie asked.
I remembered that call. I’d numbed myself with sex and booze that night. “Because the only person who could ever deserve him was you, Oz. I wanted you to be happy, sure. But I wanted that for him even more.”
“What about your happiness?”
“I don’t think I’ve ever been happy,” I admitted, then immediately regretted the words when Ozzie’s face fell. “Anyhow, he was the priority. In the middle of my family falling apart, he treated me like I was important. I think about that on the really tough days. Obviously, your support meant and continues to mean the world to me, Oz. But I owed it to him to try even when I didn’t want to.”
Huh. That felt real, and it made me soften toward the kid I was back then.
I sighed. “I don’t know if that will ever make sense to anyone.”
“It does make sense, Hen,” Ozzie said, pulling me into a hug. After, he stepped back and looked me in the eye. “Are you… Does it hurt when you see us together?”
I shook my head. “How you two are… it’s all I could ask for. Two of the people I love and admire the most in the world—it fills me with peace. Truly.”
Ozzie hugged me again. “I would sacrifice anything for you to be happy,” he said. “Anything but that man. I can’t?—”
“I would never ask you to sacrifice him, and he would never willingly leave you. Honestly, if you hurt him, I will kick your ass from here to the Mexico line. Walker adores you. You adore him. There’s nothing to be sad about in that. So stop trying to manufacture something between me and Sawyer just because you feel guilty for being in love. I’m happier seeing you and Walker together than I was ever sad for me. Genuinely.”
Ozzie put his hand over his heart and was quiet for a moment as he looked out over the vista. Finally, he spoke. “I’m not manufacturing anything. You don’t have to return Sawyer’sfeelings, but I swear that man is in love with you. He would give you his entire world if you let him. So… be gentle with him.”
I snorted, thinking of the hickey I’d spotted on the shelf of my ass in the mirror that morning. “Sorry. I’m going to try to believe you. But the idea that I need to be gentle with Sawyer’s delicate little heart…”
As I said the words, though, I sensed the depth of Ozzie’s concern. It was ridiculous. Sawyerhadto know how incompatible we were. Well, not physically, obviously. But, if he did have any feelings in the dark recesses of his heart, then Ozzie was right. I had to walk carefully.
“Okay, cousin. I’ll be more considerate with him.”
He playfully knocked into me. “Thank you.”
We spent a few more minutes appreciating the view, then turned around, heading back to my aunt and uncle’s house. As the autumn leaves crunched under my feet, I turned over my mother’s words and Ozzie’s certainty in my head, feeling like my entire worldview had just been upended.
In his Agnes way, Sawyer had somehow become the center of my universe. And somehow, that didn’t seem like such a bad thing.
