“Oh, there you are,” says his mother as we walk in. “We thought you’d gotten lost. It’s been years since you’ve stayed here,” she says to Tolly.
“You always stay with Adrian and Dimitra? I thought it was just because we’d arrived in the evening?” I whisper out the side of my mouth, switching back to Spanish.
“I avoid this place whenever possible,” he whispers back, putting on a sharp smile, like a shark, as he shifts to addressing his mother. “I was just giving Gael a brief tour of things.”
“Oh, I was hoping to show him around,” Bea says, smiling at me.
She’s the only one in the room who doesn’t look like an automaton. I wouldn’t call her warm, necessarily, rather someone who seems to be trying to stand her ground. Like maybe she’s screaming in her head at all times.
Tolly pulls out the chair for me and we sit. Where Heli’s breakfast was made with love, this lunch is aggressively plain. The presentation is fine, and while nothing is dry or unpleasant, it’s the kind of meal someone would eat if they weren’t ever allowed to have bad breath or gas.
With only salt as the seasoning, I decide that this is what sadness tastes like.
I turn to ask Tolly why his father isn’t joining us for the family’s Christmas lunch but decide against it.
We eat in silence, the tension in the room ratcheting up with each passing second. I’m self-conscious about my utensil handling, the size of my bites, the number of times I chew. When I set down my utensils, the duchess pounces on the opportunity.
“Now that we’re finished with lunch, Beatrice, could you give Gael a proper tour of the manor?”
Beatrice takes a deep breath and places her napkin on her plate. “Of course, Mother.”
As she leads me out of the dining room, I glance at Tolly. He sends me the smallest head shake, mouthingI’m sorryas I follow Beatrice out to the grand hall.
“Looks like they’re about to talk about something serious,” I venture as she points out the oil painting of her great-great-great-grandfather.
“It would go better if I were in there, but my mother is decidedly not a feminist.”
Surprised by her honesty, I hold out my elbow, and she takes it, wrapping her arm in mine as we walk down the cold, well-appointed hall. “If you don’t mind me saying so, I doubt she’s much of a queer ally either.”
“No, she is not.”
“So Tolly showing up here with me…”
“He’s never done something like this before. I think it means he’s finally done.”
I glance off to the side. I came here to support him, and I appreciate he’s taking a stand, but I do not like this place. It was far more beautiful from the outside, when I didn’t understand the rot on the inside.
“Please do not misunderstand me,” she says, leaning against me. “You’re not some sort of shot across the bow. I mean, you are, but he would not have brought you here unless you were incredibly important to him. This is him telling our mother her hopes for a daughter-in-law will never come to pass.”
“I thought he was more sexually diverse. Surely if he needs an heir, he could…”
“Have you seen the way my brother looks at you?”
I drop my chin to my chest. “Yes.”
“He is, technically, pansexual, but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t have a preference. The second you walked in the door, I knew there could be no one else for him. I’ve always known that, when he did finally fall in love, it would be deeply. And he is, without a doubt, sincerely, madly,deeplyin love with you.” She pauses, her cheeks pinker. “Oh dear. I hope it’s okay for me to say that.”
“It is. Tolly and I have been friends for a while. More, if I think about it. I was introduced to him after a particularly traumatic event, and I was not in the right headspace to…” I trailed off, not sure how much to tell her.
“He gave you all the space you needed, didn’t he? There, supportive, but not pushy,” she commented.
“Exactly. Did he tell you?”
“He’s spoken of you over the last few months, but he didn’t tell me of any traumatic events. He wouldn’t need to, though, because that’s just who he is. This robotic version you’re seeing of him? It only appears when he’s inside this place. It’s not good for him, so he stays away, and my parents will never understand. How could he not want all of this splendor?”
“Have you been to the land manager’s house? To Adrian’s house?”
I’m met with silence in response. I glance over to find her chin wobbling. She fixes her face, but I saw what I saw.
