I pull out my hair elastic and hastily knot up a man bun, then get up because I still need to move.
“It’s not just that, Charlie. You know it isn’t,” I snap, stomping through Central Park like Godzilla.
“Yes, I do. Once again, you need to say it out loud.”
“Fine,” I growl. “I’ve never been in a relationship before. The odds of me hurting him are astronomical—”
“How?” Charlie asks, completely dismissing my fears. “Why would you hurt him?”
“I wouldn’t hurt him on purpose, dumbass. But seriously, Charlie—what the fuck do I know about building a healthy relationship? You’ve heard the stories about my family. You also know I’d rather fucking die than hurt him, and yet, look at what I said to him the night he beat the crap out of me.”
“Interesting,” Charlie says, smug as shit.
Grudgingly playing along, I ask, “What’s interesting, Charlie?”
“You’re more concerned with hurting him than the idea of being in a relationship with him. That’s new.”
I stop, and a little kid runs into the back of me.
“Sorry!” his harried-looking mother says, grabbing him quickly. “His dad is tall. He thought you were him.”
I pat the kid’s head. “You’re fine. Sorry for stopping in the middle of the path.”
I stomp off in the other direction, then return to Charlie. “I hate you so much right now.”
His soft chuckle is annoyingly supportive.
“Look, lots of people truly don’t want to be in a relationship for all sorts of valid reasons. All these years of not being in a relationship? Nothing wrong with that. I’m not over here feeling sorry for my boy.But,” he says, pausing for extra drama, “you are allowed to change your mind. You’re also allowed to be new at something. I can promise you, you will not be bad at loving him.”
“Why are you talking about love?” I moan. “I haven’t even kissed him.”
“Yet. You haven’t kissed himyet,Erik. And you know how you feel about him.”
“No, I don’t,” I scoff. “I have no idea what any of this means.” Kicking a rock, I whisper through my teeth, “I feel like an insane person. I want to fuck himandhold himandkeep him safe for the rest of his life.”
Charlie goes quiet.
Fuck.
“Yeah, I heard it,” I say, imagining he’s getting a kick out of my existential crisis.
After another moment of silence, Charlie responds, “I’m talking about love because if all you wanted to do was get into his tight ass, you wouldn’t be feeling this way. You care, Erik. From the depths of your heart. Which I have to assume scares the shit out of you.”
“Of course it does! I don’t wanna hurt him, Charlie.”
“You don’t have control over all the things that can hurt Ant, Erik. Look, all jokes aside, you’re not a game show contestant with the clock running out. It’s okay to let these feelings marinate for a while.”
“How do I trust these feelings, Charlie? You know how my parents were, man. What if that bitterness is lurking somewhere inside me, waiting for me to have someone to hurt?”
Charlie lets out a soft sigh, and I imagine his soulful eyes boring into mine. “Erik.”
“I’m telling you, Charlie. I’d fucking kill myself if I hurt that man ever again.” Playing my words back, I think about the long, white scars that run the length of his forearms and curse under my breath. “Fuck, sorry, Charlie. I…you know I didn’t mean it.”
“Erik,” he says, irritated. “We’ve known each other a long time. You’re allowed a little hyperbole with your closest fucking friend.”
“Still—”
Charlie talks over me. “The thing you’re not allowed to do is believe that you areanythinglike your parents. Their bitterness never lurked, Erik. It wasn’t shy. For God’s sake, bitter people don’t walk into hell and escort people out.”
