“Really? I was a little worried, given what happened at his house in the Garden District.”
Ant shivers. “That was the worst. I do appreciate you helping me though. I freaked out because it felt like I was right back there. The work we did in the colonias, seeing those little kids, made me realize I’d been that small and young too. The work we do is mostly good for me, but there are times when I’m reminded how awful it was. With New Orleans, I remember—”
He cuts himself off and looks at me, then shakes his head, his eyes going back to his hands.
“You don’t have to tell me anything, but you don’t have to hold back either.”
He shakes his head. “I can practically see your blood pressure rising whenever I talk about it.”
“That’s because I want to kill whoever put their hands on you.”
Ant gives me jazz hands. “Betcha feel good about our little killing spree now.”
“Eh. Ask me how I feel at the end of it.”
He chuckles and then shakes his head. “I don’t need or want to talk about the specifics. I think you understand that much. For me, it was in the kitchen. When he put his hands on me, it was as if I was right back to that first night. Like no time had passed.”
I flit my eyes to his, my heart squeezing in my chest. “Yeah?”
When he nods, I cup the back of his neck and lean across the console to kiss his temple. I love the way he leans into it like he needs it. More specifically, like he needs it from me.
Seriously, Bash. Pull yourself together.
Letting go of his neck, I gently take his hand. When he begins to speak, his voice is so thin and quiet that I have to strain to hear him over the vibrating engine noise.
“Maybe I was super sheltered as a little kid, but I didn’t understand right away what was happening that first night. Back in his kitchen, that’s what I remembered—the awful moment I fully understood what he was going to do to me. Worse, I realized the people who’d taken me meant for people to do that to me over and over again. So after that night, after I recovered, I decided no one would ever be able to hurtme, regardless of what they did to my body.”
I swallow hard. “You were one hell of a brave kid.”
Ant shakes his head. “Not brave. Forced into protecting myself in a way no kid should have to. I split myself in two after that night. No one was coming to save me, so I had to create a persona. That’s who they did things to, not me. Only, today, I…” He shivers.
“Today you what?” I ask gently.
He squares his narrow shoulders and juts out his chin, his eyes finding mine. “Today, I felt like itdidhappen to me. A lot of my therapy with Hedy has been reconnecting with my body, so when he touched me, I suddenly had an acute understanding of how badlyI’dbeen hurt.”
Not knowing what to say, I take some deep breaths, and he follows suit.
After a few quiet moments, I ask, “How did it feel when you found out Javier had been looking for you this whole time?”
He shudders as he inhales sharply.
“Sorry, you don’t have to—”
He stills me with a gesture and a pained smile.
“It hurt because he spent so much of his life looking for me. Worse, he didn’t find me until after I was already safe. Like, there were times when I was safe, and he was still out there looking for me. Don’t get me wrong. I know the Hernández family loves me. I just still need a little time to integrate that information.”
I dip my chin. “I hear what you’re saying. I hope you can believe your uncle when he says it was an honor to look for you. That he doesn’t feel like he wasted time or any part of his life.”
Ant opens his mouth to protest, but I cut him off. “The things Javier learned on the road still haunt him, but he uses what he learned to help others. He’s a damn good operative, and we are lucky to have him. As for integrating, when I say you’re brave, I think of that too. Allowing yourself to love your family after believing for so long they’d been the ones to sell and abandon you? That’s really fucking brave, and you can’t tell me any different.”
“Well, then you’re brave too.”
“That’s me. A big damn hero.”
He pushes my shoulder again. “I’m serious, Erik. I remember when I got into the truck. You turned around to check on me.”
I nod. “I wanted to see the kid—man, really—who did what they had to do to survive. That thing you did with your voice? I don’t ever wanna hear it again, but I am certain it made you safer. It allowed you to tuck away the real you, which means you’re still you.”
