“I’ll never be normal like him.”
“No. You will not. But if I may say so, what you have become is a fearsome, loyal, beautiful human being. It’s okay to be sad about the ways in which you have been changed, as long as you don’t ignore the ways in which you have become strong.”
He sighs, and I feel it in my soul. “Do I have to be okay with that right away though? Can I just be sad that they fucked me up?”
I pull away, needing to see his expression. “Of course. I’m sorry, Ant. As good as today was, I’m incredibly upset about the things you lost. You, more than anyone, have every right to be upset and not okay. Every lost thing must be mourned in its own way.”
His voice is soft as he answers. “Then I don’t want to hear about the ways in which I am strong. Not today.”
Silently acknowledging his words, I wrap the blanket around us a little more. After a few moments, I share more of my truth with him.
“To see how wonderful your family is and to know you were told lies? I’m beginning to understand why you would want to hurt the people who do this. You know that asshole driver who cut in front of my parents and caused their deaths? For so many years, I wished he would die.”
“Did he?”
I shake my head. “When he was arrested, we found out that his wife had gone into early labor, and he was racing to get to her. His son was born while he was in jail. He destroyed my family and terribly injured another, but I have to forgive him because he was trying to protect his family. Most of the time, I can get there. Like, I feel that I can forgive.”
“Really? I don’t…even with his wife going into labor, I can’t…I would have a very hard time with that.”
“Oh, believe me. There are times when I don’t feel very forgiving at all, and I wish for terrible things to happen to his family so he can feel the way we feel. I don’t really want anyone else to be hurt, but…yeah. The people who hurt you have no such excuses. You’re allowed to be angry—very angry—at what was taken from you.”
“Hey.”
Javier’s gentle voice fills the space.
Ant opens the blanket, and Javier joins us, grabbing the other blanket as he does. We both sneak our arms around Ant’s slim shoulders, setting our foreheads to his temples.
“What are y’all talking about?”
“Levy said it’s okay for me to hate the people who did this to me and that killing the bad guys is really the best course of action.”
I glare down at him. “Oh really? Is that actually what I said?”
He shrugs, grinning up at me. “More or less.”
Javier chuckles and leans across Ant to kiss my forehead.
“Oh, gross. You’re being romantic with each other.”
Javier kisses his forehead as well. “My guys look sad. Of course I’m going to show affection.”
I decide to torture Ant a little and lean across him to give Javier a big smack on his lips. “Okay,nowwe’re being gross and romantic.”
“This is child abuse.”
“I thought you were an adult?” Javier asks, popping his brows.
“You two are the worst.”
Javier smiles at us, then quickly goes quiet. After a moment, he asks softly, “The problem with good days is they often provide a contrast to the worst days, no?”
Ant bobs his head, taking another sip of tea. “Yeah. I was telling Levy that I actually felt the good things today, but…”
“You also feel the bad things a little more now too, right?” Javier asks, pushing Ant’s hair off his forehead.
Ant usually dislikes displays of affection that might be considered childish, but he leans into his uncle’s touch.
“Yeah. I guess that’s supposed to be the payoff. I’m not numb anymore, but…I can’t hide my feelings as much. Or ignore them.”
