“So, all I’m saying is, we don’t know what to do, and we’re trying to listen to the people who know better, and we’re not trying to make Ant something he’s not.”
“Normal. You’re not trying to make him normal.”
“Regular normal? No. Able to pretend he’s normal in front of the right people? Yes.”
I go back to the salad, unable to pay attention to the tomatoes. Levy takes the knife from me and cuts up the rest of the vegetables.
“You just got here, but we are working very hard to keep him out of jail. I wouldn’t have said this before, but having met Anders and seen what he does, I know we need people like him. That only works if Ant is well regulated, so we’re trying to figure that part out.”
“Is everyone here absolutely insane?”
Levy puts down the knife and pins me with a glare. “You sound like Erik.”
“Is that such a bad thing in this case?”
“You and I both know most people who’ve been through this bear emotional and mental scars that no amount of trauma therapy can make better.”
“What happens when you can’t make it better? Just let him murder people?”
“No. But we do make accommodations. We identify the most damaging triggers and decide which ones we avoid and which ones we lean into. If somebody tries to hurt any of us, he’s going to be triggered. He finds the people who hurt others like him? Murderously triggered.”
“You can’t put a gun in his hand then. He’s not stable.”
“Yet. He’s not stableyet. I haven’t worked with him in an official capacity, but in my professional opinion, his recent instability isnota permanent feature.”
“Don’t sugarcoat it, Levy. They ruined him, didn’t they?”
Levy shakes his head. “I don’t believe you can ruin a person. You can shape them, you can harm them, you can heal them to an extent. There’s so much the human mind is capable of. But Ant does not want to be ruined. Therefore, he is not ruined. Look at him right now, showing Elias deep compassion. That part’s true too. Whatever we do, we’re going to do what we can to make sure that’s his true north.”
Taking a deep breath, I let Levy’s words settle me. “I don’t want him involved in this life.”
Levy smiles, rubbing my arm. “I know. But you don’t get to decide that. That’s hard because you’ve been through something too. Sometimes reunification can be almost as traumatic as anything else. The person you loved, the person you had in mind, isn’t there anymore. You’re confronted with an entirely different animal, and you must adjust. It should help you to remember he’s been adjusting since he was eleven. This is where you pull up your big-girl panties, and you fucking adjust for him. You hear me?”
I have to laugh, appreciative of his willingness to put me in my place. “Big-girl panties?”
“Yes.”
“You must be a damn good therapist.”
“I am, and I’m not going to let you bemoan the fact that Ant lived. So what if some of his shit is a little broken? He’s going to be loved unconditionally for the rest of his life. By the way, that’s the cost of being in his life. Unconditional love. Period.”
“I hear you. Thank you.”
“Excellent. Now, finish your salad so we can feed these hungry people.”
“Is it wrong that you bossing me around kind of turns me on?”
Levy whips his head around and shushes me. “People are rightthere.”
“We’ve been talking about the fact my nephew is a murderer,” I say under my breath. “I don’t think they’re paying attention to us.”
“Well, it doesn’t matter. You were very clear. One night, one night only. We both got what we, uh, wanted from it, so…yeah.”
I tilt my head, looking him over from head to toe. I did not get nearly enough time with this man, and if the flush on his ears is any indication, he didn’t get nearly enough of me either.
“I’ll respect your wishes, of course,” I say, stepping back, then hiding my grin as his body sways toward mine.
I initially wasn’t sure how much time I’d spend here, but with this new information about Ant, I’ve decided I’m going to stay for a while. As for the delicious Levy, this thing between us is way too hot for just one night. But I won’t push. I’m going to sit back and let him come to me.
