Erik silently hands him the reins, then takes out his ponytail. Shaking out his long brown hair, he runs his fingers through it before knotting it at the base of his neck.
“Thanks, Ant,” he eventually mumbles, sending Javier and me a wave before stalking off toward the exit.
Ant bites his lip, looking after him. “Do you think I did something wrong?”
I shake my head. “He would never admit it, but Erik doesn’t do well with change. Javier coming here is a wonderful thing, but I’m sure it unsettles him.”
Javier scrubs a hand over his face. “Is there anything I can do to make him more comfortable?”
“Nah. Just give him time.”
Javier nods and joins Ant, helping him take off the horse’s saddle.
“This is fine saddle work,” Javier observes, walking it over to our tack room. “All the leather goods here are well-made.”
Ant puts his tired head on Javier’s shoulder. “I think we use a local leather workshop, right, Levy?”
“Yep. Little shop over in Kerrville.”
Javier grins. “I don’t know if you remember this, Ant, but our family business is leather. Saddles, harnesses, reins, shoes, purses, belts. Tus abuelos still run the business. They work with local ranchers and sell the rest at artisan markets.”
Ant’s brows come together, and he sends me a worried look as we lead Cupcake into her stall. “I don’t remember that.”
“That’s okay,” I assure him, standing outside the stall while Javier and Ant take care of her. “Lots of folks with a trauma history lose certain details because knowing how to forget is a helpful tool.”
Javier’s warm smile falters, but he hides it from Ant. I give Javier’s shoulder a quick squeeze to let him know I see him.
“I do like the smell of leather though,” Ant says, grabbing the curry brush. “A lot. Maybe that’s why I want to roll around in Erik’s leather jacket.”
Javier chuckles as Ant starts brushing Cupcake. “I hope it’s okay for me to say, but given how many times you’ve talked about him today, I doubt you wanting to roll around in his jacket has anything to do with our family’s leather business.”
Ant scrunches his nose and fake-punches Javier’s arm, turning bright red. “Shut up.”
“I’m not making fun of you. I’m seeing you. And—”
Javier’s Adam’s apple bobs as his words get stuck in his throat. Tears fall and he shakes his head, clearly frustrated.
“I swear I’ve never cried so much in my entire fucking life. Sorry.”
He wipes away the tears quickly, laughing at himself. Ant, however, isn’t laughing. I don’t think he gets it.
“What’s got you so emotional, Javier?” I ask, hoping he’ll play along with me.
Javier swallows thickly and sends me a grateful nod. Turning to Ant, he explains, “I don’t know if you understand how special it is that you can have feelings for someone. I get that there are complexities with Erik. But you love him, and I need you to understand how incredible that is.”
To his credit, Ant doesn’t deny his words as he continues to run the brush over Cupcake’s pretty coat. His feelings for Erik are practically spelled out in skywriting. I’m sure it’s created its fair share of pain since Erik clearly doesn’t understand he’s in love with Ant too. I keep that to myself.
“So I don’t look like a stupid kid to you?”
Javier shakes his head vehemently. “First of all, you look like what you are. A young man. And while you are very, very young, you are also very, very old. Made prematurely wise by the things you’ve survived. Understanding how to navigate those conflicting truths is hard.”
“It really fucking is,” he admits with a scowl.
“Here’s the thing. This healing you’re going through is difficult, but as your abuela would say, it’s better than the alternative.”
“True. I could still be out there,” he says with a shudder.
Javier shakes his head. “That’s not what I mean. I think in every universe, Charlie and Erik were always going to ride to your rescue. The idea that there’s a version of you out there, not healing, unable to feel, and unwilling to do the hard work? That would be the sad thing, to be rescued and then unable to heal. But that’s not you.”
