Eh. I think he’s going to be disappointed.
“I don’t feel bad about killing him, Charlie.” Ant crosses his arms over his chest and lets out a huff. “He was going to kill Erik.”
It’s our turn to shift uncomfortably. He’s not wrong.
Bram holds up his finger. “Can I say something about that?”
Charlie gestures for him to take the floor.
“Ant, I killed two people last night, and I didn’t sleep a wink. When I found out we have access to an excellent therapist, I called her this morning, and I’ll be getting on calls with her once a week for at least the next month. I think it’s a mistake to assume that lack of guilt equals zero trauma.”
“Oh my God-d-d-d,” he exaggerates, rolling his eyes. “So dramatic with thetrauma. Believe me, I know trauma, and that wasn’t it. I feel fine. Y’all can’t force me to do something I don’t want to do.”
“I hear you, Ant. Really, I do,” Bram says, readying himself for the larger point. “But while you feel fine with what happened, none of the rest of us do.”
Ant’s disbelief is like its own presence in the room. “Not even the fact that I saved Erik’s life?”
“Of course we’re grateful for that, but that’s not what I’m talking about. Once it was clear the man was dead, you continued to mutilate him. While we would never force you to do anything, we have decided as a group that you cannot join us on any missions, even search-and-rescue missions, until you see a therapist.”
“Do you think I’m crazy?”
Everyone else shakes their heads, but they’re lying, and he knows it. They’re scared of him and for him, and having worked closely with him these last several months, I don’t think that’s the way to approach this.
Instead of going along with everyone else, I nod in response to his question, cracking a smile. “Dude didn’t have a face after you were done with him. That’s, like, theoppositeof sane.”
He sticks his tongue out at me, amusement returning to his eyes. He knows I have his back, even when that means telling him the truth he doesn’t want to hear.
Dropping his eyes to his hands in his lap, he squares his jaw.
“I know I went a little overboard. But you can’t keep me from helping. You don’t know what those people did to me. The sex was the least awful part of that life. I was made to feel so worthless all the time. Mine wasn’t some extreme, horrible, rare case. There are thousands, millions, of people, mostly kids, being forced into the worst-case scenarios possible, again and again. If you…”
We’re all frozen, quiet as he clenches his fists, finding the rest of his words.
Finally, shaking his head and pulling his shoulders up around his ears, he spits out, “I can’t stand the thought of them getting away with it.I have to dosomething. If you don’t let me do something with you, Iwilldo something on my own.” Pinning a look on Charlie and Erik, he continues, “And you won’t be able to stop me.”
A chilled quiet follows his declaration. I don’t think a single one of us doubts his intentions.
Charlie, in his gentle, calm way, is the first to break the silence.
“Ant, your history makes you both the best and worst candidate for the things we want to do. You understand the victims—the survivors—in a way that none of us ever can. But you lack the objectivity and good decision-making skills required in these ops. You have not shown even the slightest bit of remorse for taking a life. Even when it’s necessary, most people feel remorse about that sort of thing.”
“Well, maybe remorse is one of those things that got beat out of me.”
Another uncomfortable silence.
Erik leans forward, supporting his forearms on his knees. “My cousins, Anders and Odd, don’t have your background, but they don’t feel remorse when they kill someone either. Hell, if it’s someone particularly bad, Anders enjoys it.”
“See? Y’all work with him all the time.”
“But he was raised in a healthy, loving home. Anja and Georg always knew exactly who he and Odd were, and they didn’t want them institutionalized, so they trained them and set strong boundaries with them. You have had none of those things.”
“That’s not my fault!” Ant says, getting more upset.
Erik is careful with his next words. “We know, Ant. We’re not blaming you. You can’t know what you don’t know. It’s just…you scare the hell out of us.”
“Why are you picking on me? Is it because I look so young?”
“No,” we all say, though Erik is slower to join in.
