I’d bet all of the money in my bank account that Connor felt like the lucky one.
He continues talking, his voice wistful. “I’ve got all of these people back home so sure that I can’t make it out to the coast. So sure I'll fail. So sure I won’t live up to my potential. And I'm not going to be that person. I'm going to be the person who sees it through.”
Finally, he looks up at me, his eyes swimming. “You're a big part of helping me accomplish that, and I swear…I swearto you that this has meant more to me than you could possibly ever know. I won't forget you. I can't. But if I stay any longer, I'll break my promises—every single one of ‘em. And I can't do it. I just can't.”
I look at this beautiful man with his pretty brown hair blowing in the wind, catching every bit of the fading light. I look down at myself. I've got car grease under my fingernails, and I wear my name on a pair of coveralls every day. He's just a star streaking through my night sky that I just happened to be lucky enough to catch and hold on to for a few precious days.
I won't be the reason he doesn't keep a promise to himself or his brother.
I don’t bother to hide my tears. Some people are simply worth crying for.
“Does that mean your car is already packed?”
He nods.
“Were you even gonna wait till tomorrow? Or was I going to wake up to an empty bed?”
He lifts his shoulder. “I don't know. The longer I stay, the harder it is to leave.”
God, time is such a fickle bitch.
“My sister lives in Austin,” I say with a sad smile. “You can drop me off and go. She’ll make sure I get back home.”
“I can't just…”
“You can. Youmust. If you have any affection for me at all, please do this now. Because another night with you will break me.”
That’s a lie, of course. I'm already broken, and I don’t want him to see me like this. I'm frustrated by my stupid heart not listening. I don't know why I thought I could handle this.
He swallows hard. After another long look down at the Colorado, he nods, reluctance in the slowness of it. He reaches out to hold my hand, but I…I can't. We make our way down the steps and into the car and across town in silence, save for the few directions I give him. When we pull up in front of my sister’s house, I chance one more look into his pretty brown eyes.
Even knowing it’ll make it hurt so much worse, I lean across the console and press one last kiss to his lips.
“I will never forget you,” I whisper in his ear.
He nods, wordless. I walk toward the house and don't look back. My sister opens the door as I approach.
“Carter! What a surprise! What's…?” Her words trail off when she sees my expression.
She opens the door the rest of the way, ushering me in. She pulls me into her arms, and I cry harder than I’ve ever cried in my entire life.
Chapter11
Knox
Ican’t stay another night in Austin. Half-blind, I pull away from Carter and drive to Fredericksburg. I thought maybe I'd stop for the night, maybe climb Enchanted Rock in the morning. Many people who’ve done it say that it gave them peace, but when I get to the little hamlet, so sweet and serene-looking, I know I can't stay there.
I check GPS and figure I can reach Junction by midnight.
By the time I get there, I've run out of tears. And I know sleep won't come, not for a long, long time. So I press on. I only pull over to rest outside of El Paso because my eyes are too dry and painful to continue.
After sleeping fitfully for a couple of hours, I wake to the sound of children playing at the rest stop. I make my way into El Paso and find a pharmacy, where I buy dark sunglasses, eyedrops, and a handful of Five-Hour Energy bottles. I was going to spend the day in Las Cruces, but I can’t bear the thought of people, so I head for the Grand Canyon instead.
When I arrive, I’m surprised that you can actually walk all the way up to the edge if you want. So I sit there, and for a moment I can’t remember if it’s sunrise or sunset.
It’s sunset.
I take out the little prescription bottle full of my brother for company. The emptiness I feel is just as deep as this canyon, and I don't know which end is up anymore. I look back on the first part of my trip and wonder how I didn't get myself killed. I was pathetic. Needed people to take me by my hand and feed me lunch. Save my ass. Fix my car. Change my whole world.
