But he wanted it, a future with me. And the way he argued for us...it was like a glimpse into what we could be.
No.
No.
I’m not going to start a relationship built on the enormous sacrifice of one over the other, even with Odd. Especially with Odd. I couldn’t ever have anything less than an authentic relationship with him, and I wouldn’t accept inauthenticity from him. And that’s why I won’t let him give up essential parts of himself for me. It would never work if I knew he was doing that for me.
“DB, did you hear me? We can go ahead and stop now. This was a great session.”
I blink and realize my mind’s wandered off. I’m at the physical therapy office. I hate it, but Caliste kept sending Rodney to check on me. And don’t tell anyone, but it’s actually helped a little.
“I’m sorry, Marta. Just got lost in thought. Thank you so much for your help, this has been great.”
“You’re welcome. Don’t forget the printout with your at-home therapies, okay?”
“Okay, sounds good,” I say, making my way out the door.
Even though the PT has helped somewhat, there’s no denying my physical reality. The knee will continue to get worse. No amount of expensive lotions will help my skin. Pushing Odd away doesn’t remove the ache in my chest.
* * *
Just as I’m settling onto my couch with an ice pack, a call comes in. I check my phone, almost not wanting to. Thankfully, it’s Jake.
“Jake, buddy. What’s the good news?” I ask, crossing my fingers for actual good news.
“I’ve been working with Ronan on the data, and there are a few more markers that indicate where data has been adjusted. Very slick stuff, almost untraceable. Just sent it to you. You’ll want to talk to Ro to discuss the implications.”
“How certain are y’all of this information?” I ask, pulling up the data on my laptop.
“I’m never one hundred percent certain of anything, but this gets pretty close.”
That was good enough for me. “Good enough to give to my friend?”
“Yes. Because if he goes in and doesn’t find evidence: no harm, no foul. But I think he’ll find plenty.”
“Excellent. I’ll get him on it right away. Did you need anything else?”
“Um. Yeah.” He waits for a beat before continuing. “I have notifications for changes in anyone’s files, just to make sure we aren’t getting hacked. And I received several update notifications for your medical files. I haven’t looked at anything, obviously, but I just wanted to…check in with you. Are you okay?”
I’m flooded with guilt, my mind easily pulling up the pictures that were taken of Jake’s body when he got back from that terrible night. Worse than the bruises was the haunted look. Pretty blue eyes, framed in thick black lashes, so lost I’m surprised he ever got found again.
Having Jake Koenig ask ifI’mokay is about the quickest way to get me to spiral. But I can’t let him know that. He can’t ever know that. “Yeah, looking into having the Wimberley crew fix my knee. Took on some physical therapy to see what’s possible.”
I hadn’t planned on telling many people about it, certainly not Wimberley’s involvement, but I’m unable to come up with a convenient lie right now.
“Shit, really? Would’ve never guessed that you’d let Anders anywhere near your knee.”
I laugh, and it almost sounds real. “Exactly. It’s why I’m not all-in just yet. They’ll have to black-bag me to do it on location, apparently.”
“Wow. That would fuck me up,” he says, weirdly breathless. “Sorta get claustrophobic just thinking about it.”
“Sorry, man, that was thoughtless of me,” I say, knowing I’ve fucked up. Jake’s triggers take him down fast, and I don’t think I can stop it. “Jake, I need you to focus on the sound of my voice.”
The phone shifts, and all I can hear is erratic breathing and something that sounds suspiciously like the thump of his heart.
“Jake? Talk to me, buddy. Open your eyes and tell me five things you can see in your room.” The grounding technique is a failed Hail Mary and guilt fills my gut like acid.
Silence ticks away, and when he speaks again, he sounds like a disembodied version of himself. “Please, not with the water.”
