I blink away a few tears. "Yeah. And it felt like, for a while, that I did have a family. But it got a little awkward after he died, so I just sort of faded into the background. I miss it sometimes."
We pass a few moments in silence.
"I think it's interesting that you're talking about family when you called me to talk about Ronan,” she observes. “You said it had been an eventful couple of hours.”
Somehow this is harder to talk about than all of the other things. “He doesn’t have a car, so I took him to his apartment. I sort of just invited myself in and then…we kissed.”
“Justkissed?”
I shake my head as I loop back around to Seventh Street.
“More like heavy making out with a light case of frotting before we were almost caught by his brother.”
“So, now you’re in the car talking to me, and you’re freaking out.”
“Yeah,” I say, hating to admit it. “It’s not like we had a chance to talk about what it all means. But, man, I’m right there again.”
“Right there, how?”
“I—”
Her laugh is soft. “Let me make it easy for you. Sounds like you never really stopped loving him. Is that a reasonable assumption?”
Damn, woman.Why you gotta come at me like that?
“Yes. Happy?”
“I’m not unhappy.”
“I’m so thrilled for you,” I snark, wishing I’d cancelled the class tonight. I take a few deep breaths, letting out a pained sigh. “Look, I know I’ve been therapied up and shit, but…that doesn’t make any of my fears magically disappear, y’know?”
“Oh, I know. I know all too well,” she responds, and somehow I believe her.
“I’d just…I’d have to trust him with so much, and there’s no fucking guarantee. Fuck, he could really, really hurt me."
There’s silence on the line, and then her voice comes back on, low and soothing. “You're right. He could. But, given what I know about him, I'd say it's highly unlikely."
"Are you saying that as a profiler or as somebody who has access to all his files?"
"Bit of both. But I can see it. I can see how you work with one another.”
"What do you suggest I do?"
"Why don't you sit with it for a few days? Don’t reach out to him unless you’ve asked yourself why you’re afraid. What you would stand to gain from allowing him into your life. So many things in life require a leap of faith. Sure, you try to make the best decisions up front that you can, but some things you can only know after you leap. It’s good to know your reasons ahead of time.”
"What about the fact that we’ll be working together as part of the Guardians? I mean, I’m supposed to get on a call tonight to affirm whether or not we want him on the team.”
“What are you going to say?”
“I’m going to abstain from voting,” I say, already at the gym. I pull into the rear lot and park away from the door.
“I think that’s appropriate.”
“Yeah, but then once he’s on the team…”
“He won’t be in the field for operations, right?” she asks, sounding a lot like DB. “I mean, I know he did a great job in East Texas, but he doesn't read like somebody who wants to make that his profession. I thought he was going to be helping DB out by taking over some of the operational logistics.”
"That's true. He’ll be working from the operations room or his place, once he gets settled in, for most of the missions."
