Her eyes open in horror. “Nooooo. No.No. Please tell me you didnotshow up at Everett’s in this outfit. I beg of you. Lie to me if you have to, but do not say that you let Everett see you like this.”
“Well, I’m definitely not going to let him see me like thisagain,” I say, rubbing a spot on her doorjamb.
She fingers the ripped edge of my crop top. “What the fuckis wrong with you? What aboutchoose one of these to add to your typical outfitdid you not get?”
I shrug. “I figured if I layered it on all at once I’d enhance the effect.”
She opens the door wider. “Get in here now. I don’t want some jailbait-looking motherfucker on my doorstep. The neighbors are going to call the cops.”
“That’s rude.”
She gestures me up and down. “That’s ridiculous.”
I kick off my shoes and stroll over to her couch, tucking my feet underneath me. My mother would be horrified, but if Parker’s going to make fun of me, she’s getting couch feet.
“Oh please, make yourself at home. Can I get you some tea, maybe a cookie?” she asks, smirking as she sits down on the couch and mirrors my position.
“Do you have any arsenic?”
“Come on now. You’re being dramatic. I’m sure it wasn’tthat…bad.”
I would have believed her if she hadn’t paused right at the end there.
“Oh, it wasexactlythat bad. He didn’t even recognize me, and then when hedid…he was horrified. All I got was this weird side hug from him, and he kept looking at me like I was analien.”
She cups my face. “You’re so pretty.”
“Don’t do that. Don’t act like I’m dumb.”
“Then stop acting dumb! He gave you a side hug because a full-frontal hug would’ve ended up proving my theory that he’s hung like a small moose.”
“What?”
Circling her finger in my general direction, she says, “Dude, you in that outfit? Extremely sexy-slash-taboo. He was probably trying to hide a massive boner.”
Dammit, I would’ve liked to have seen that. “Really? Do you think so?”
Her expression perfectly conveys theduhI’m sure is parading around in that head of hers. “Iknowso. There’s no way he saw you in that and didn’t have amassivephysical reaction. Of course, that’s an assumption on my part, but he has big dick energy, and I’ve got to assume that any action from him is going to be…massive.”
“We are not talking about Everett’s package. That is a line we will never cross.”
“Bullshit. At some point, you’re going to see his tasty junk and you’re going to need to share the details. Because I’ll never be able to get a gander, and that’s a damn shame.”
“I can’t believe I’m having this conversation with you. I just came by because I wanted to see if you still had that pair of sweatpants I left over here the last time.”
“Sure, but don’t judge me if I have you go and get them from my dresser.”
“What’s really sad about that is, not only are you and I the same size but you probably look better in my sweats than I do.”
“No doubt. But you’re not entirely unfortunate. Even though you are tiny as fuck, you have the world’s most adorable little ass.”
“Is this workplace harassment?” I ask, squinting my eyes at her.
She puts her hands on her hips, visually sassing me. “No. For two reasons. One, I’m not harassing you—you love it when I talk about your ass. Two, we’re not at work.”
“Okay, but this definitely falls under friend harassment.”
She signs a big checkmark in the air. “Accurate, and I am within my full rights to do this as stated under the friendship charter. Especially since you took my well-meaning fashion advice and ignored it entirely.”
