“He died six months ago. Brain cancer.”
I already know this, of course, and try not to feel like a dick for the small crumb of hope that flares up in my chest, which I beat back with chants oftoo soonandtoo fresh. And, oh yeah,you kill people for a living. Instead, I rub his back, hopefully in a way he finds comforting and not creepy. “I’m so sorry to hear that.”
We haven’t yet talked about why he took a swing at Roly, so we sit there in the silence while I patiently wait for him to put together his words.
“Asadi and I worked on the same intelligence team. I was the interpreter, and he was the asset. He came to us after his father’s men tortured him. Roly facilitated the contact.”
I’d forgotten that detail.
“And you’re mad at Roly because…?”
“Because he was also the reason Asadi was tortured.”
He doesn’t explain further, and I don’t push, but more pieces click into place for me. The one time Roly and I fucked—and that’s all it was—he seemed on a precipice, doing too much, not getting enough sleep, kind but sad. Guilty, now that I think of it.
As I consider what I just witnessed, it almost seemed like Roly waslettingRafi hit him. I pull him in closer and put my nose in his sweaty hair.
“Do you know why I’m in Austin? Why I go to that gym?”
“No?”
“A lot of us served at the same time, on the same missions, whether or not we knew it. It was thankless, dirty work, and my missions were especially isolating. My family doesn’t acknowledge me, so it made sense to come here at the end of my Navy career.”
He leans back, his eyes worried. “Did you serve with Roly?”
“No. But in a way, I did serve with you. And Asadi.”
He pulls back, setting off the car horn. The sound causes both of us to jump and then laugh at each other, easing some of the tension of the moment. I ease the seat back to give us a bit more room, though he’s so so slender that it’s hardly necessary.
His eyelashes are still wet with tears, and I’m trying to ignore how much that tugs on my heart. “How did you serve with me?” he asks, his breathing uneven.
I’m cautious with my answer, careful to leave out our mutual friends’ names. “The intelligence your husband shared went to a highly specialized group that analyzed the actionable data and directed the Joint Task Force on which targets were most useful to dispose of. I was one of the operators who acted on that data.”
Stated another way, I was a state-sanctioned killer, and damn good at it.
Understanding fills his eyes, as does a flash of…satisfaction? Maybe? “You killed the men who hurt my Asadi?”
“I can only confirm that I was a very successful operator,” I say, holding his gaze steady even while my heart thuds from the slight weight of him on my lap.
“Was it hard? To kill them?”
His beautiful eyes contain all of the grief in the world, and I can’t deny him the truth. “It was as easy as breathing.”
He lowers his head and hugs himself tight. “I wanted it to be like that with Roly. Easy. But he’s…good. And it makes me so fucking mad. I just wanted to hit him until he stopped moving.” He shudders and clamps his hand over his mouth. “Oh my god, I’m so sorry, Asa—”
His breathing becomes ragged, almost to the point of hyperventilation. I roll down the window and he sticks his head out, inhaling lungfuls of oxygen, his knees digging into my quads. Ignoring the pain, I reach behind us and grab a bottle of water, wetting the remaining napkins before placing them on the back of his neck.
“Shh, shh, baby boy. It’s okay. It’ll be okay.”
He leans his forehead on the door for a moment, getting his bearings.
“Please tell me he’s going to be alright.”
I’d been texting back and forth with Roly’s cousin, and the last message was a relief. “He has a slight concussion, but he’s been cleared by the doctor and Nick is staying with him tonight.”
He nods, processing. “Asadi would be so ashamed of me. In my head, he was telling me to turn around.”
Rafi curls up against me, leaning his head against my chest, shifting so that his tiny ass is on one thigh and his feet are on the other. Talking to no one in particular, he says, “I want to hate him so bad, but Asa wants me to forgive him. I just don’t know how.I don’t know how.”
