“Completely fucking up my entire worldview, and I don’t know who I’m going to be at the end of this. Thus the minor identity crisis.” Duh.
Benning laughs a little too hard for my taste and then says, “Roly, buddy. You’re fucking irrepressible. You can’t help but be you, no matter the situation. You’re in, or hope to be in… something… with a guy with kids, who you adore and get along with. There’s no way that they don’t think the world of you.”
“Yeah, but what do little kids know? I mean, they certainly don’t know that my nickname is Bear Killer.”
“Damn,” someone says, sounding impressed.Yep.
The mom of the group, at least, the one who reminds me of my mom, pipes up. “Roly, kids pick up on more than you’d think, and they don’t yet have the same preconceived notions that adults have. If they like you, it’s because they feel safe around you, physically and emotionally. And if they feel safe around you, it’s because your actions—who you are—made them feel that way.”
I look up at her, and her smile shines across the space, her eyes sparking with truth and acceptance. I don’t even fucking remember her name. She doesn’t seem to mind.
It shakes something loose inside of me that I’ve been holding on to for a long, long time. I mean, if the kids can see who I am, and they like me, then maybe it’s okay to want more, only…
“But he begged me to stop.”
Benning holds up his hand. “Because he can’t say no, right?”
I nod. “He said it was hurting him.”
“The hate-sex was hurting him, Roly. What if he knew thatlovesex was on the table? That he could trust you to stick around? Wouldthathurt him? Would it hurt you?”
For the first time in weeks, I feel a genuine smile slip across my face. I shake my head.
“So I can still be Roly even though I kinda want to be shacked up with a guy who has kids?”
Oh, god. I wanna throw up. Can’t believe I admitted that out loud.
The group around me smiles, and everyone is nodding their heads.
Adrian laughs. “Shit, dude. That might just be the most Roly thing you’ve ever done.”
Chapter Twenty-Two
Roly
I feel lighter than I have in weeks. Talking through my feelings about Heath makes me think that those feelings aren’t so pointy after all. I mean, I have no idea where to go with them just yet, but they settle into my body, more of those broken pieces coalescing into something that feels whole and real. Instead of projecting an image, I’m beginning to have an idea about what it feels like to simplybe.
And apparently, all of the people who matter want that for me.
I mean, I’m not going to get emotional about it, or whatever, but I very easilycould.
I also realize that if Heath doesn’t like this genuine version of me, then I can live with that, too.
I just don’t want to.
I look around, and there’s not a shiv in sight.
That said, I’m not doing a perfect job of it. Exhibit A: I may have gone a few tiny hours over my sixty last week, and then had a couple of, I don’t know, seventeen-, eighteen-hour days at the beginning of this week? Elijah ratted me out, and now the family’s not gonna let me do a damn thing until next Monday. That’sfour whole dayswith absolutely nothing to do.
Praise the lord for loopholes.
I can’tworkat the gym, but I can get in aworkout, and if people need help while I happen to be working out, then… that doesn’t count against my time. And I feel severalworkoutscoming on.
* * *
“Turn around.”
“Why does that sound so familiar?” I ask, smiling at my cousin Nick.
