Fuck, that hurts my feelings, and I’m not exactly sure why. I glare up at him. “How did you know I was thinking about that?”
“Because unless you know what the next three things are, you get anxious. If you don’t know how you’re going to fill your time, you become a very different person. So, most of us have been willing to stand back and let you work yourself ragged, because we know that it helps you to manage your anxiety. But I’m getting worried, and this foolishness around Heath is the tipping point. You need to slow down.”
Seriously, does everybody know how I feel?
“That’s ridiculous, Nick. I’m just helping out. It’s fine to help out. I don’t know why you’re making it seem like I’m some out-of-control person.”
Nick tightens his jaw. “Oh,I’mthe one making it seem like you are aridiculouslyout-of-control person.Sure.”
“Come on Nick, be reasonable.”
Nope, definitely not his thinking face. “Oh, Iambeing reasonable. I was fine with having you open the gym a few extra days a week to give me and Elijah an opportunity to sleep in. But now I’m hearing that most nights out of the week you’re still at the pizza shop, helping them to close.”
“Catherine’s had a particularly difficult schedule this semester, and I’ve been working with her to make sure that we are covered.It’s temporary.”
Evie butts in. “What are you, quotingMoonstrucknow? You’ve got such a big heart, Roly, but my wife and I own that shop. It’s my responsibility, not yours.”
Scout, fucking tree that she is, runs her hand through her thick, black undercut in frustration. “If one of our employees needs to work through a scheduling issue, that should not include you. Yes, I’ve been really busy with the new development, and we have not been paying attention to how many hours you’re actually putting in at the shop. ButElijahhas been keeping track. I know that you want to make sure that this new location gets off the ground, but you are not the only one in the world who can make this little venture successful. It certainly doesn’t mean that you need to damn near kill yourself putting in all of these extra hours.”
I glare at Elijah, who shrinks back against Nick, making me feel like a real asshole. I turn back to my cousins. “Scout, Evie, I’m not complaining about the hours at all. It’s not a problem—I like helping take care of the family. It makes me feel like I’m contributing.”
I have a promise to keep, goddammit.
Evie’s perfectly manicured eyebrow nearly hits her hairline. “Roly, you’re notcontributing. You’re overextending yourself. You’re making yourself so busy that you can’t even reconcile the important parts of your life. And I’m beginning to wonder if that is a feature, not a bug.”
A chill skitters across my skin, and the feeling of exposure makes my neck tighten. “What’s wrong with me wanting to be busy? What’s wrong with me wanting to be productive? I’m not just slutty, Bear Killer Roly, you know? I don’t have a partner, I don’t have kids. All I fucking have at this point is an Audrey. And I’m happy to be that person in the family who has all this extra time and can go and help with everything. Ilikebeing helpful.”
Evie shakes her head. “There’s being helpful, and then there’s never telling people no. There’s supporting your family, and then there’s acting like your contributions are the thin line between success and absolute bankruptcy, and that’s simply not true. And let me tell you, every person in this room knows that you’re not just this Bear Killer persona that you put on after you came home from the war.We see you, Roly.”
I rear back as though she’d struck me. The sting felt the same. My truth-serum bestie again knows way too much. “What do you know about what I was like when I got back home? You weren’t there.”
Scout wraps a protective arm around Evie. “Yeah, but I was. And sure, you’ve always been the lovable slut of the family, but you came back a different person. In many ways a better person, or maybe you just switched out your cover story.”
I feel like I’m being skinned alive. I’ve worked really hard to make sure my family doesn’t see the dark, shitty part of survival. Guess I wasn’t as good at that as I’d thought. “Wow, this is an excellent intervention. I feel like shit. Does that mean we’re done here?”
Evie shakes her head. “No, we are not done. I’ve talked about it with Scout, and you’re going to get backpay for every hour that you’ve worked.”
I throw my hands into the air. “Then why did I do all of that? I wanted to help, and I wanted to save you some cash. And you won’t even let me do that.”
“Oye güey, why can’t you even sit down for a second?” Nick asks, pointing out that I’d started pacing the living room. “Everyone in this family knows how hard you work. Nobody thinks that you’re slacking off, and no one would think you’re slacking off by having a workday of an appropriate length. You’re not going to disappoint us if you take care of yourself.”
“Okay, but what if doing all of this work feels like I’m taking care of myself? What if it helps my brain from spinning out of control? When I’m busy, I don’t have to think about that day.”
I hadn’t meant to say that. Fuck, I need to shut that lid fucking tight. I don’t want to get into it; I can’t stand to see my cousin’s unwarranted guilt. I can’t do it.
“Primo, I wish you’d talk to me more about that day. I know that a lot of it is classified, but you must know that you can tell me. Anything. If it’s something that you had to be strong enough to survive, I can be strong enough to listen to you and to be here for you.”
“They declassified a lot of it,” Jake says quietly. “Just recently.”
I shoot mind daggers at him. “Not all of it. The names aren’t going to be released.”
Jake’s response is frustratingly measured and kind. “The names that matter to the people in this room are either already in this room or are dead. The spouse of the deceased put in a request under the Freedom of Information Act for the details of the detainment. My team’s involvement and the identity of the specific SEAL team have been redacted.”
The oxygen gets sucked out of the room, and everyone in it is looking back and forth between me and Jake. Jules is looking like a modern-day Jacqueline Kennedy-Onassis, and her lip quivers as a tear drops down her cheek. She asks in her soft-rough voice, “Jake, you knew Roly before the pizza shop? You know what happened to him?”
Jake looks crestfallen, like maybe he’s the one who disappointed her. Quietly, he nods. “I didn’t work on his case specifically, but I worked with an informant that he’d helped us to curate. The organization I was with was not officially recognized, so I couldn’t say anything.”
Nick chews on the inside of his lip, and his voice is low when he asks, “Roly, how long have you known about the declassification?”
