As he’s saying that, I notice a smell permeating my house. My lovingly and expensively restored house.
“Roly, I swear if that is dog shit in my house, I don’t know what I’m gonna do.”
“Heath, it’s possible that a little bit of dog shit got mixed in with the mud, but I swear it’s not my fault. The fertilizer function on your lawn mower doesn’t work. Dude, you need to get your money back.”
I stare at the door in disbelief. “What do youmeanthe fertilizer function on my lawn mower doesn’t work? It works just fine. I mowed my lawn last week.”
“Well, it doesn’t do a good job of spreading out the dog fertilizer the way you think it would. It junks up everything and didn’t spread out anything at all.”
My breathing kicks up as my blood pressure begins pounding in my head.“That’s it, we’re done. I’m gonna kill him,”I mutter to myself as I pace up and down the hallway, trying to calm myself.
I pass the hallway mirror as I’m dragging my fingers through my hair, and, yep. I look more than a little deranged. I pause in front of the bathroom door to yell some more.
“It’s afertilizinglawn mower in that it chops up the bits ofgrassand spits it out, thus fertilizing the grass that is left behind. It is not ashit spreaderlawn mower because those don’texist. Open this door so I can beat the shit out of you!”
There’s a pause, and then the door cracks open and wide, dark eyes look up at me. Roly is playing fast and loose with his life right now, because he’s clearly underestimating my desire and ability to actually murder him.
“Now keep in mind that I am going to pay to have everything cleaned up appropriately and sanitized. But at some point I managed to get a lot of mud and probably a little bit of shit on me, and I had to stop, because I started to gag, and I didn’t want to throw up in your yard.”
“So instead you tracked mud and dog shit through my house?” I ask, looking beyond him to the overflowing hamper, where somebody decided to hold a mud wrestling championship in my two-hundred-dollar towels. “I just spent $15,000 to redo this bathroom. I can’t… what have you done to my bathroom?”
“What are you talking about? I cleaned your entire bathroom. It’s spotless in here!”
“Look at my towels!”
I stop short of telling him how much they cost because I have no excuse for spending that much on a bath towel. Not that I need one.
He bites his lip. “I told you; I’ll replace them. Super promise.” The pleading in his voice irritates me in a way that has my dick perking up, like it does when I get a migraine.
I walk forward, causing Roly to back up quickly, knocking him against the towel rack with enough violence to loosen the screws in the wall. He jumps at the contact and steps forward, leaving the weight of the only two unsullied towels to pull the entire apparatus down behind him. The sound startles him, and he bumps into me.
Up until this point, I hadn’t yet processed that Roly is only wearing a towel, and that there are these glistening droplets of water on his body, which itself is a piece of art so beautiful that Michelangelo could not conceive a better subject. His irritatingly wide-eyed look has transformed my migraine dick into a full-on rage boner, and I need to get him out of my house. He starts to open that ripe mouth of his, and I cut him off before the weak apology can fall from his stupidly full lips.
“Younightmareof a human being.Stop trying to make things better.Don’t even send me money, because God knows what you end up doing with that. Just.Leave. Just get dressed andget out of my house.”
I swear to the little baby Jesus I’m a nice guy, and it pisses me offso hardthat I can’t even enjoy this little bit of righteous anger because Roly’s face is a heart-stopping combination of red-eyed hurt and lock-jawed anger. All of which only further aggravates my below-the-belt situation.
And then he has to go and open his goddamned mouth.
“You know what,fuck you, Heavy. I take back my apology, and I’m so fucking glad that you’ll be staying out of my way, because I’m not going to keep on self-flagellating over the fact that I hurt your widdle feelings in high school, you big, hairy oaf!”
He’s barefoot, so our height difference is magnified, which I find hilarious, especially since he decided to throw down the Heavy gauntlet. Game.On.
“I knew you were a fake,” I say, bumping my belly into his bare chest as I glare down at him. “I knew there wasno waythat you’d actually changed since high school. You lack theabilityfor personal growth. So put some clothes on and getthe fuckout of my house. I’m not telling you again.”
He shoves me away from him, the action loosening his towel so that it drops farther down his hips. I pinch my nose, willing him to fix his towel because the only thing keeping it up at this point is a loose knot and his tight bubble butt, which I just wanna chew on.
I mean kick. I want to kick his assso hard.
I push him back against the wall, and his eyes blaze up at me with unfiltered heat. “Do you actually think that you could take me? I may be little, but I can put your ass on the ground in about two seconds flat.”
I widen my stance, pinning him into the wall as I cross my arms and glare down at him. Fuck, is he bonered up, too? Doesn’t matter. “I fucking double dog dare you.”
Roly pushes against me, and I move not even a single centimeter. Still staring down at him, I curl my lip into an evil half-smile. “That all you got?”
He pushes against me, harder this time, and I keep my ground rather easily. He lets out a frustrated yell and pushes at me again, moving me back about half a step, and only because I let him. I mean yeah, he’s pretty strong, but he’s not moving me anywhere I don’t want to go. The towel shifts again, and he is definitely hard.
Ah Jesus, that’s his crack, and…fuck, he’s got the firmest, bubbliest ass.
