I smile, and feel sad. I don’t say the words that I know she’ll only refute. But I believe, as it is the deepest truth I’ve ever held, that I do not deserve these beautiful men. I don’t even deserve the temporary sense of calm I get when I’m with them, but I am needy and willing to be selfish about that one thing.
I get stuck in my own thoughts about this, and Evie bites her lip in understanding. “Roly, you do know, despite having been a dickhead in high school, that you’ve turned yourself around, right? And that you do deserve to receive the kind of love you give out on a regular basis?”
I shake my head and put up my hand, a silent request to stop this conversation.
She’s kind as she continues. “Okay, I get it that this is a little much right now. I also get that there is a sensitivity here that I can’t fully understand or get all the facts to. I’m okay with that uncertainty. There is, however, something about which I am one hundred percent certain, and it is this: When you center your thoughts and feelings aroundyourguilt and shame, it’s still pretty selfish. When you center the thoughts and feelings of the person you injured with your words, then it’s healing. You should think about how you can center Heath in all of this. How can you address his hurts without making it about you?”
Her words hit me in the chest, but they also give me a sense of calm.
I can do that.
I can absolutely center Heath and make him a priority. She bites her lip again and gives me a short nod, and I go back to making Mr. Castlebridge’s anchovy pizza. After a few minutes of processing and resetting my attitude, a smile steals across my face. I knowexactlywhat I can do for Heath.
Chapter Five
Heath
I don’t know why Roly is at my door, but I’m pretty sure that I’m not going to like it. I usher my herd of weiner dogs out to the back porch, then open the front door.
“Hey, Roly. What’s up?” I ask, noting that his shiny, black hair is mussed, like he’d been running his hands through it. He’s also surrounded by enough groceries to feed a small army or one teenaged boy.
“Um, hi… Heath,” he says, his voice sounding a bit breathless on my name as his eyes slowly make their way up to mine. “I just thought since I created so much trouble for you before that I could maybe make it up to you by making dinner for you. I’ve got groceries.” His smile is uncertain as he holds up the bags of various ingredients.
I swear, this man tests my very patience.
“Roly, no offense, but I’m not inclined to trust the guy who put me into anaphylaxis to cook dinner for me. I have a family, you see, and they depend on me to be alive.”
His smile wavers the tiniest bit, just for a second, but never leaves his face. Not even as I glare and snark at him.
“Yeah, I know! Three daughters, how do you do it?”
“I work with my ex-wife to make sure that they have everything they need, and some of what they want, and to make sure they understand the value of unconditional love and earned respect.”
Roly blinks his wide dark brown eyes at me, perhaps not expecting the deeper answer to his question. “Yeah, that sounds real good. Also,” he says, switching channels as though I won’t catch it, “I worked with someone at the store to make sure that I didn’t accidentally bring you down with peanut butter flour or something like that. I was going to add sesame seeds to the salad, but the gal at the store said that I better avoid that, at least for now.”
I hold up my hand. “I’m also a pescatarian. You’re pretty much wasting your time here.”
The shuffling through the stacks of groceries comes to a dead stop. The confused look on his face is fucking adorable.
Annoying.
“A pesca-what?”
“It means I don’t eat meat, with the exception of seafood. I do eat eggs, but minimize dairy.”
His smile finally gives up, and he looks down at the bags as though the wind has been knocked out of him. He’s trying so hard.
“I’ve never heard of that before.”
“My dad died of heart disease when he was in his forties, so I stay as healthy for my kids as possible.”
The lightbulb goes off over his head. “I thought that you moved to San Antonio because your mom got remarried. Didn’t realize that your dad had died, too.”
“Yeah, about six months before.”
He bites his lip, looking at my beard. “Wow, your mom moved on fast.”
“Yeah… it, uh. Wasn’t the best time.”
