She sighed heavily and let the thought about the Nurses program play through her mind, then looked at the Instagram feed of some friends currently helping patients in Tanzania. She missed being a nurse and helping people. She missed a drama-free life, and every time she thought about the look on Maureen’s face when she asked if her big secret had more to it, it made her sick to her stomach.
Her mom was right. She needed a break, needed to get back to helping people. Kayden wasn’t going anywhere; she wasn’t leaving him, but she needed to get back to the old Lana again. As she started typing in the words “passport renewal”, her cell phone began to ring. Picking it up, she saw Kayden’s name flash across the screen.
She hesitated before answering and wasn’t sure why. She hated the idea of letting people’s words get to her, primarily where he was concerned. He was the love of her life, but she hadto admit that a bit of time off may actually be a good thing for the both of them. Taking a deep breath, she hit the answer button and placed the phone to her ear.
“Hey, hun,” Lana said into the handset.
All she could hear was breathing on the other end, and it was heavy and labored. Was hecrying? “Kayden?”
“I’ll never trust my mother again,” Kayden finally managed to squeeze out.
Lana was shocked; she didn’t know what to say. It was very apparent that Maureen must have broken the news to him. She wished she could be there with him to console him, but it was impossible to be three thousand miles away in an instant.
“So, what are you gonna do?” Lana asked.
“I’m not sure, but I know I have to get away from her. I can’t take this anymore.”
“Did you tell Paula?”
“Yeah, I did,” he replied somberly.
“How is she?”
“Not good. Don’t think she’s going to be talking to our mother for a while after this,” he replied.
“I’m sorry, baby. I know you’re hurting, and what she did was unforgivable, but you’ll make it through this. You always do.”
As Lana said the words, she realized that she wasn’t the only person who really needed a break from everything going on. It was selfish of her to think that everything that happened had happened to her alone. He was in this just as much as she was, and although he didn’t suffer the loss of the pregnancy physically, he did suffer the loss. Perhaps it was time for both of them to take a break to adjust to the new way of things.
“I know this may not be the best time to bring it up, but I was thinking about that nurses without borders program again.”
The phone fell eerily silent, and she could hear a car horn blare through the receiver.
“Before you left, I thought you said everything was okay with us,” Kayden said, pacing the busy sidewalk as pedestrians worked their way around him, pushing past. “ Please don’t do this to me, to us.”
Lana closed her eyes as she felt the sting of tears threatening to fall down her face.
“Kayden, this isn’t just about you or me; this is about us being strong enough to weather the storm that we’re going through right now. And I don’t know how we can do that when we have so much happening to us all at once. How can we possibly focus on building a future together when the past is still kicking our asses?”
Tears were no longer threats as they ran freely down her face. This was breaking her heart, as much as she was sure it was breaking his, but it was something she felt they had to explore, no matter how hard it seemed.
“You said you were coming back to me. Please don’t be like my mother, lying to me out of convenience or because you think that you’re sparing me.”
“I would never, ever, lie to you, Kayden. But if I allow myself to come back to Hamby and pretend that the fact that Kim is less than an hour away doesn’t scare the shit out of me, then I would be lying. If I pretend that losing our child doesn’t kill me every second of every day, I’d be lying. If I hadn’t attacked her in that hospital, maybe I’d still be pregnant.”
“No, Lana, don’t do that to yourself. It wasn’t your fault,” he protested.
She sobbed over the phone, “It just hurts too bad, and I can’t bury my head in the sand and pretend it doesn’t anymore. Can you understandthatat least?”
“I understand it, but running away isn’t the answer either, Lana,” Kayden said through gritted teeth, “I can’t accept that.”
The abruptclickof the phone call ending echoed in the sudden, cavernous silence of her room. Kayden had hung up. The line went dead. Lana stared at the silent device in her hand, the screen a black mirror reflecting her own terrified face. For the third time, a bone-deep dread twisted through her—the fear of losing him. But this time, she wouldn’t have Maureen to blame. Not Kim. This time, it would be because ofherwords,heractions, her desperate need to run. And she was suddenly, sickeningly unsure if she could undo any potential damage.
A small, stubborn part of her, the romantic idealist who’d survived so much, tried to surface.Love, no matter what the circumstance, always prevails.They would be fine. It wasn’t the end; it was just a temporary pause. A beginning, not a finale.She repeated the mantra, but the conviction felt brittle.
With a trembling, unsure hand, Lana picked up the letter from the Nurses Without Borders program, the thin paper crinkling under her tight grip. Her eyes fixed on the phone number printed on the page, a lifeline. The only way she knew how to focus the suffocating rage and overwhelming guilt building inside her, the only way to silence the screaming doubt, was to stay busy. To get back to work. To maybe, just maybe, help someone else in need—even if she couldn't seem to help herself or the man she loved. Her fingers, still shaking, began to dial the numbers.
13
