“When are you coming home, Daddy? We’re doing show ‘n’ tell at school, and I want to showyou.”
Andre closed his eyes in pain at the question, but then he opened them again as he took a deep breath and looked at the face of his little boy on the phone screen. Miguel was staring at him beseechingly, and even though they bore no resemblance to one another, the gaze somehow reminded him of Dmitri. Which hurt in an entirely different way.
Putting that thought aside, he summoned a smile. “I know it seems like it’s already been a long time,mijo, but Daddy has a while longer before coming back. I’m so sorry I can’t make your show and tell. But I promise I’ll be back before Thanksgiving. We’ll go out and get a turkey, and your abuela will fix it all up with stuffing and potatoes, and we’ll have pumpkin pie. And we’ll have a whole two weeks together! We’ll go to the zoo as many times as you want, okay?”
Miguel’s face crumpled, and Andre’s heart broke at the sight of his son trying not to cry. Things on this tour had been much more difficult than on the last one, a lot of which didn’t even have anything to do with the situation between him and Dmitri. That, at least, had eased over the last few weeks, as the tour hadwound its way up the east coast to their current location in New York. They definitely weren’t as close as they’d once been, but at least Andre didn’t feel crippling guilt just being in Dmitri’s presence. Dmitri, too, was smiling a bit more, even if he wasn’t the carefree spirit he’d been before. While he ached for the loss of their closeness, Andre was no longer worrying, as he had at first, that Dmitri was going to walk away from the band.
Instead, Andre was having to face a new pressure from an entirely different quarter: Miguel’s school.
There were emails, forms, and report cards — which had surprised him, considering it was kindergarten — all of which he could handle easily in the downtime while they traveled. But the social pressure was something he was finding difficult to navigate. What could you possibly say to your child, who really wanted you to be a “room parent” for his class, when you were on the other side of the country? Or the invitations to parent/teacher conferences that he had to declare could only be through video? Andre was going to miss the Halloween Parade, Field Day, and the Turkey Trot, which was some sort of foot race they were having just before Andre would be back for the tour break in November. It didn’t help at all that he was pretty sure Sibila was telling Miguel to ask him about all these events, just to twist the knife about his prolonged absence from California. She wanted him to feel like shit about not being a present father, so that he’d do what she wanted and let Derek adopt his son.
The worst part was that it was working, and Andre felt like crap. He felt like he just couldn’t do anything right anymore, no matter how hard he tried.
“It’s okay, Daddy, don’t cry!” Miguel’s words of distress made Andre sit up from where he’d slumped on a park bench. It was only then that he realized that silent tears had fallen from his eyes, running down his cheeks as guilt threatened to overwhelm him. He closed his eyes, wiping away the tears. But when hedrew in a deep breath and opened them again, he saw Derek’s face on the screen instead of Miguel’s.
There was sympathy in Derek’s gaze as he and Andre simply looked at one another for several moments. It was, in fact, Derek’s phone that Andre had called in order to catch up with his son. It was easier that way, since Derek had been true to his promise to allow Miguel to accept Andre’s calls any time, rather than some set schedule that Andre frequently couldn’t make due to performances. It didn’t help being three time zones away, either, but Derek had facilitated the calls, and thankfully, Sibila had let him.
“It’s okay, Miguel, your Daddy’s okay. He just misses you a whole lot. I’m just going to talk to him for a minute, okay? Why don’t you go get that train he sent you, so he can see it got here?” Derek said, looking back over his shoulder. “I’ll let you tell him bye in a moment.”
“Thank you,” Andre murmured when Derek had returned his attention to the screen.
Derek sighed. “I’m sorry. I know this has got to be hard on you. I’m trying to do what I can to make it easier.”
“I know. And I appreciate it,” Andre replied. “It’s just….”
Derek rubbed his forehead as though he were getting a headache. “It’s just Sibila, I know. I’ve tried to get her to back off, but there are things….” He left that hanging and shrugged. “There are things I can’t really discuss going on, but trust me, none of this is your fault, okay?”
Andre frowned. What could be going on that Derek couldn’t tell him about? “It’s nothing to do with Miguel, is it? He’s okay?”
“No, it’s not Miguel, I promise.” Derek looked back at him, his expression solemn, while Andre felt his anxiety rising. Then he glanced over his shoulder again before turning back. “Look, Sibila would kill me for telling you, but she’s not here right now. Just promise to keep it a secret, okay?”
Andre frowned. “Okay. I owe you, Derek, and I promise that nothing you tell me will get back to Sibila.”
Derek nodded. “Okay. So… we’ve been, well, trying for a baby since we got married, and it hasn’t been happening. Sibila’s not taking it well, okay? I’m doing my best to assure her, but.…”
At Derek’s admission, everything crystallized. It made sense now — all of Sibila’s anger and frustration, as well as her pivot from supporting Andre’s place in Miguel’s life to her wanting him out of it. Andre nodded to Derek in sympathy. No doubt her change was affecting him as well, though he was good enough to try to make things easier for Andre. “She started pushing for the adoption when she couldn’t get pregnant, didn’t she?”
“Yeah.” Derek looked uncomfortable. “Look, I can’t say anything else, but I thought it might help for you to see that it’s her, not you.”
“I do see.” And he did. Sibila, for all her beauty, was insecure. He’d known that for years. If she were having fertility problems, no doubt she was afraid Derek would leave her if she couldn’t give him a child. She probably figured that having Derek adopt Miguel would bind him to her even more than their marriage, which was ridiculous. Having a child together hadn’t madetheirrelationship work, after all, and Andre knew Derek was deeply in love with Sibila, and he couldn’t imagine him ever leaving her for any reason.
But knowing why didn’t make things better. And it certainly didn’t alleviate his own guilt for not being as involved as he wanted to be in Miguel’s daily life.
“I’m sorry for what you’re both going through,” he continued, his resolve to push back against Sibila’s demands hardening within him. “And if you can do anything to back her off, please do. You’re a great guy, Derek, and a great stepfather. But I’m not giving up my son. Not unless something convinces me it’s the absolute best thing for him.”
“I’ve told her that,” Derek said. “I appreciate the vote of confidence, and, just for the record, you’re a great dad, and Miguel loves you. My adopting him isn’t going to do anything other than hurt him because he’d lose his dad.”
The words helped a little. “Thanks, Derek.”
“Sure, Andre. Here, I’ll give you back to Miguel.”
More centered now, Andre was able to finish talking to his son, and then said goodbye with many assurances of his love and promises about the zoo.
By the time he ended the call, Andre was drained. He looked around at the people strolling by, the weather perfect for the beginning of fall. He wondered how many of them doubted their worth as parents, and if they found it as hard as he did to juggle everything and try to find some kind of peace or happiness in their lives. Some of them undoubtedly would have understood exactly what he was going through, but he couldn’t talk to them about it. He couldn’t talk to anyone, and so he kept everything inside and just went on day by day. It was all he could do.
With a sigh, he stood up. It was early afternoon, and he had to get back to the concert venue where the F-Holes were performing their last concert on the East Coast before heading west on a six-city marathon en route to Rocktoberfest. Unlike last year, he felt no anticipation for the final two weeks of the tour before their fall break. He just wanted it over so he could see his son and stop feeling like shit about himself.
Andre headed across Central Park, spotting Kris and Jo on his way. Kris was pushing Jo in her wheelchair, while Jo held on to a handle attached to a string. Andre looked up, seeing a kite shaped like a bird soaring into the cloudless sky, and listened to Jo laughing in delight as Kris almost ran, pushing the wheelchair ahead of her.
